Sleep it off

Perhaps because I should be sleeping instead of writing this post it may not make much sense. Maybe it will. I never know till it’s done.

Confidence is high here in my little world. I’ve begun to work on the parts of my life that have been neglected. Those little habits I’ve had for such a long time that need to get squashed. Procrastination is my enemy. I’ve spent my whole life putting things off and paying for it with bad grades and lost opportunities. Last Spring, after exhaustive testing, I found out that I possess the intelligence to do anything and be anyone. I’m not the stupid kid I had been lead to believe I was. Here I was in school hovering around C’s as a student. The only thing that kept me from that was my own procrastination. What a waste. No, I wasn’t normal and the kids that said that were right. I was nothing like them, I was smart. The strange questions and things I said were beyond their capacity for understanding. Honor Roll was nothing but a tally of the kids that actually did their homework. Hell, in 7th grade I made Honor Roll for two quarters that year. Those foolish average jerks just stared in disbelief at me as I approached the stage to accept my certificate and one of those stupid “my kid is an honor roll student” bumper stickers for my folks to put on their car. I never gave either to them or even mentioned it. Yeah, they found out when report cards came out, but these are the same people who said I would never attend college. Pardon me if I’m still a little bitter about them attempting to water down my life. Fuck you if you think I want some kind of pity party. My whole life has been full of this kind of counterproductive bullshit and people struggling to keep me below them. Non of them were strong enough. You failed and I’m here now proving you wrong. Sick satisfaction? Yes, I’m human after all.

So now I’m block scheduling my weeks out. Hell, I’m even going to be scheduling my free time. No fun? Not true. Now I will have more free time where I’m being productive instead of watching stupid videos on the net with the rest of the rats. Keep staring at those screens a believing that you are better than the people watching TV. Quit trying to be better than everyone else and just work on making yourself better for you. School’s out and you’re not getting graded anymore. Impress your friends with your ability to adapt to life, as fucked up as it can get sometimes. Fuck it, go on Dr. Phil and tell him your sob story. Get the audience to boo some bastard who’s not doing anything but living his/her life. Better yet, go to hell.

Something else I’ve always had trouble with is approaching new people that seem like they may have something interesting to contribute. I have no problem introducing myself to the new employee who’s eating their lunch across from me in the break room, but anywhere else I’m a fucking social retard. I take that back, as this is something I’m working on. I’m employing as many techniques every day to make myself better. All the reading in the world can only give you the concept of what you want to achieve. You have to try and fail. When you fail you need to assess what went wrong. You can’t get wrapped up what the other person was thinking, but instead concentrate on the part of the encounter that went wrong. We just can never know what anyone else is thinking, even if they tell us what it is. I try to say hello to someone new every day, or even ask for the time or something else, then just walk away. All I’m trying to do is reach out and get used to that feeling. I’m losing my approach anxiety, which is what keeps me from making new connections. I need to be able to present myself and form new links in my networking chain in order to achieve success in business.

I’ve got to tell you that these things are pretty hard for me to handle. The fear of structure makes me want to rebel, yet I follow a workout sheet to a t. I need to do the same for the rest of my life, now. Just looking at my initial block scheduling sheet with the guy advising me today really made stress out pretty hard. I mean, just looking at what my life is going to be like for the next few months was overwhelming. I’ve had too much freedom up until now. It made me kind of sick, though that could have also been due to the fact that my coffee happened to be wearing off around the same time I was making the schedule. For the rest of the day I’ve actually been feeling rather relaxed. Besides the conflicts going on with scheduling people to come in and weight train, the rest of the day was smooth as silk. I haven’t napped in two days, but after getting up at 5:30AM this morning I felt I deserved it. I kept it pretty short and I’m fighting off sleep now in order to finish this post. I’m going to finish this one here and listen to Evan’s Blue “Dark That Follows”. I’m going to read the lyrics while I listen. Guess I’ll post them here if your curious. You can find the song around the net if you are curious. Good night.

Evan’s Blue

Dark That Follows
There’s just so many things you never needed to say
like I’m your other soul, but you can love them all
your tears are meaningless, they’re written on your face
just like your empty words, just like the chemical
just like the disease that stains your lips tonight
you are the disease that’s in my life

if it’s no ones fault, there just no one to blame
and nothing to say
this time it’s no one’s fault so there’s nothing to save
and no one to hate but I want to so bad…believe me

there’s just so many ways you never needed to be
like I’m some empty space that never leaves your side
now wipe that stupid look off of your face
you’re not the finest one, you’re not the only one
you’re just a disease that stains her lips tonight
and you are the disease that’s in my life

if it’s no ones fault, there just no one to blame
and nothing to say
this time it’s no one’s fault so there’s nothing to save
and no one to hate
but I want to so bad…believe me

we’re great in small doses, I pronounce it, your sad aside, love me
you’re so proud of yourself and your disadvantage to me is just something you love to say (and hear that you’re uncommon)
the greater the dosage makes me mispronounce it to be,
you’re dead inside of me
but when you’re alone and no one knows
it doesn’t seem to matter
you are the same inside as me

if it’s no ones fault, there just no one to blame
and nothing to say
this time it’s no one’s fault so there’s nothing to save
and no one to hate
if I say I want you so bad (it doesn’t matter)…don’t believe me
you’re just the disease that was in my….life

I miss you, Nick

Forgot to post this back when I wrote it. I must’ve clicked the wrong button. As you will read, I wasn’t exactly in the right frame of mind.

The wake was pretty rough tonight. It’s so hard to enjoy seeing estranged friends at something like this. When the founding members of No Comply arrived, it really set my emotions racing. The fact that he was not standing there with those guys really made me sad. You really forget how far away we all get when something like this happens. But Nick will live on in all of our memories, there is no way he couldn’t. Fuck, it’s hitting me again. I’m proud of you for serving our country. This is not about whether this war is justified, to reduce the situation to that is a disservice to the folks that join the military to make a difference in this world. How many of us can really say that what we do makes a great difference? Not many, I’m quite sure.

There are a lot of people I miss, but things always keep us apart. There’s just no way to see everyone all the time. We live all over the country and have lives that won’t let us go, even for a day. All I can do is my part to keep in touch with every one that I can. Our time here is brief.

Missy Higgins “Where I Stood”

Lyrics below the video

I don’t know what I’ve done
Or if I like what I’ve begun
But something told me to run
And honey, you know me, it’s all or none

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh, and I found myself listening

‘Cause I don’t know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don’t know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
‘Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See, I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you aren’t leaving without a fight
And I think, I am just as torn inside

‘Cause I don’t know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don’t know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
‘Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won’t be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than any one I, I’ve ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself
And so I say to you, this is what I have to do

‘Cause I don’t know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don’t know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
‘Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
She who dares to stand where I stood

——————————

Disappointed

One of my clients from the gym, that has been seeing great results, has been pretty much overriding my advice and training suggestions as of late. She’s even gone as far as to take advice from some guy that has been foolish enough to engage in the P90x program. I do not doubt the programs validity, but there are techniques used in the program that are unsafe and could easily lead to injuries. As I look to my upcoming certification this summer, I am really being careful not to violate any of the rules and regulations laid down by the organization I will be certified through, as they would revoke my certification and black list me from future certifications.

[Update] I watched the plyometrics part of P90x and I am certain that I am not going to be training anyone using the methods they show. That series is essentially a standard exercise tape, like any other. The only difference is that there are 12 of the DVDs. The guy hosting it makes me want to slit my wrists when I watch him. I’m going to have to break it to her that if she is interested in pursing this form of exercise, she will need to pursue it on her own time, as I will not be training anyone using these techniques.

Ups and Downs.

Well, I’m trying to get things figured out with the Ex, as far as what she is taking. See, I was told to get rid of certain things, once she had bought replacements. These items include pots, pans, towels, etc. Well, now she’s telling me that she wants those things. I’ve offered to buy them off of her, but I’m pretty sure she just wants to punish me because of the pain I’ve caused her with the break-up. Like I said, I’ve offered to buy things off of her, I’m not trying to get something for nothing here. It all seems to never end. She is coming over Saturday to pick things up. I guess I’m just going to pack it all up Thursday night and say the hell with it.

In other news, I attended a funeral last week for my staff mentor at school. She passed away a few weeks ago after a long struggle with cancer. It was a nice funeral and her boss/friend gave a great eulogy that really made me lose it. A few days later I found out that an old friend of mine had been killed over seas on a military operation. The funeral is tomorrow night.

It just seems like there is too much going on lately. I’m really having a hard time holding on. I’ve been going for walks to clear my head and get things figured out but I’ve got to take it to the next level. My workouts have been lacking lately. I need to get on a regular schedule and do up a workout sheet for myself. I do them for other people all the time, you’d think I could find the time to do my own. I know for sure this will keep me preoccupied and allow me to feel better about myself. My body is just not what it was back in February, right after I got my Bowflex dumbbells. I mean, I was in really great shape and all my clothes fit wonderfully. Time seems to be a factor at the moment so I’m going to need to make some really quick (20-30min) workouts a few nights a week to keep me going. I mean, I got sick so much in February and March I lost a lot of strength, due to being too sick to lift a dumbbell. It’s crazy that I’m still training folks who are making great strides and working really hard, but I’m feeling like the opposite. I will say that helping them out gives me a great deal of happiness. I guess that’s all I’ve really got to say for now. Maybe if I could motivate myself to do more of these updates, I could keep my head on straight.

Again and again and again…

Here I am hitting the reset button on my life, again. I’ve decided to change my major over to Business Management. I had my mind set on attending UMO in the Spring of ‘09 for Exercise Science with a concentration in Administration. That path would keep me in school for quite a while and not leave my options open like a simple Bachelors in business will. I’ve set my sights on this Summer as far as attaining my Personal Trainer certification. I’m going to test for it during some of my downtime. I’m not going to be taking courses for entire Summer like I did last year. I learned my lesson there. I need a brain break this year. Unfortunately I ended up blowing off steam in the Fall semester which has put me in trouble here at school. Nothing I’m not working on fixing currently.

I guess that’s it for now. I’ve got to get over to my class early and meet with a professor.

The thing about SAMSARA: Maine Hardcore…

There are times when I’m bothered by the direction the band took after the initial change up of members. I’m convinced that certain members were convinced that we needed to emulate the sound of our southern Maine brethren. Sitting here listening to Cerberus Shoal’s “Broken Springs Spring Forth from Broken Clocks”, it’s so clear that the final song that was completed was a blatant rip-off of the style that these guys were using. The initial three songs have their own similarities to each other, as they should considering they were written with our original bassist and were written by Scott and Jordan, as far as the instrumental parts. The fourth song, which on the CD is actually track #2, was written the next spring and is by far my favorite. This song was written by Scott, Jordan, Aaron, and Jassen. The fifth song, track #4 on the CD, is the song I am referring to. The length is kept short at around five minutes compared to Broken Springs nine odd minutes of music. Yes, track #4, titled “Samsara”, sounds like the backing music and features me doing a vocal sounds jam, but just seems out of place on the entire CD. It just eats at me, after all those years. “Move on, that was a long time ago”. I know, but some things just can’t be let go. The whole experience was a big part of my life. I mean, in the years since I’ve still run into people who saw us, heard the songs, or at least heard of us. Fuck, I mean I used to get recognized in public once in a while as the “guy who sang for SAMSARA”. It was weird, not cool at all, but then again I guess it was. It is the closest I will ever be to being some kind of local celebrity. Not my intention at all, by the way, I just wanted to make new music that no one had ever heard before. I wanted to be part of the experience and express my inner most thoughts on the stage. That’s something that I haven’t done since. Karaoke is such an empty experience when you’ve done what I’ve done. It’s still nice to perform for a crowd, but it’s not my words or music I helped to bring into existence. Some say it’s been too long for me to still care about all this, I say “fuck them”. It must have not meant that much to them, not as much as it meant to me. I am proud and at the same time ashamed of everything that happened. Friendships ended when that band ended, maybe they weren’t even friendships now that I think about it. I mean, Scott and Jordan were friends of mine for sure, but the other two. Hard to say now that we’re ten years out. Ten years. I’ll be back on here sometime to really write the second and final part of what the band really meant to me and what I saw and did. Check back once and a while. Fuck following the crowd, by the way. Too many Maine bands do this very thing. Thank God for groups like Twisted Roots who’s songs will live on in my heart, always.

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Every time…

It seems like every time I say that I’m going to post more, I just end up not doing it. School is keeping me really busy this semster so I haven’t had much time to post. Oh well, here’s one.

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Busy

My second week of school kept me pretty tied up for the most part. I’ll have to drop a good sized update in the next few days. Tomorrow night is out since I’m hosting a Rock Band party here at the house. Have a good weekend.

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Portal: A Day in the Life of a Turret » The Leet World

Portal: A Day in the Life of a Turret » The Leet World

Fer tah nrdz

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