The storm is over. All conflict has been resolved. Know me.
The storm is over. All conflict has been resolved. Know me.
I am here. I am angry. I am disappointed. I am human. I am as shallow as anyone else is. I am not quitting on anyone who hasn’t already quit on me. I am ultra-real on here, I will never be anything but. This is my life. This is the way I feel. I will not become weak. I will not back down from anything I’ve said. I will not be misinterpreted. I will not say what you think I will say. I will not say what you want me to say. I am real, more real that most. I will not allow the inspiration I provide to be misinterpreted as intimidation. Walk never behind me or in front of me, walk beside me or not at all. I don’t have the drive or desire for everyone to like me or love me, nor will I ever. That would be too much lost energy. Some will love me. Some will hate me. Let them get in their respective lines and be treated accordingly.
Well, I guess I’ve broken another heart. I knew it would happen and I did all I could to try and stop it, but life is life and always seems to take the same path. I was honest, yet misunderstood and now she and I aren’t exactly getting along. Not talking at all really, nor do I wish to at this point. The issue was about looks. Yeah, I do a lot of work on myself, but as I’ve stated time and time again, I generally don’t care how anyone else looks. I don’t want anyone to feel like they have to go to the gym to be with me. I don’t care how much someone spends on their clothes. I just don’t care about that stuff. I am a human and if I’m not attracted to someone, whether physically or mentally, then there is nothing there for them as far as a romantic interest. I never made any statement that I felt either disgusted with personality or looks, but the things I said were taken that way. Damage done. What do you really expect someone to be like that you meet on Hot or Not? It’s a shallow site, I mean that’s the whole point, you want to know how hot or not you are. I’m not some stuck up pretty boy like I look like in my picture, but that is what people will always think of me that look skin deep. It’s pretty pitiful that I’ve been so forward and been myself with someone, which has taken me months to be able to do again, and it’s just destroyed because of fear. “Time blurs regrets with fears”. I think it’s shitty that someone can be upset or push me away because of who I am and what I look like. This is me. I want to be physically attracted to someone as well as into their mind. Fuck you if you think that’s shallow, but that is the world we live in. I have self-esteem and I’m not going to stand around holding someone up so that they can develop their own. I work with folks who look around them and see that everyone is different from everyone else and feel like shit because of it. They know they are different and I empithize with them and feel bad too. I just don’t want to do that all the time in my personal life. I have to say that the majority of my friends are happy with who they are right now. Yeah, life sucks, but they know there is more out there and are striving to achieve it. Yeah, I surround myself with people that are successful and take care of themselves, they understand where I am at. I understand them. I’m not going to give up because I have a shitty day or lose my place to live or my fucking car breaks down. I’m going to get it done, no matter what it takes. No one gets hurt and I survive, that’s my life. Call me fucking GapBoy again. Do it. Fuck it, I’m shallow. I accept it. But you didn’t even try to meet me. You didn’t even find out if just because you’re not Barbie that maybe I wouldn’t give a fuck. I might see something in you or about you that you miss when you look in the mirror and frown. I don’t feel sorry about any of it. Just tells me that you’re not ready. Hell, I’m not ready for anything. My life is so fucking fucked up right now, why anyone would want to be part of it is beyond me. For the last time, I have to go through all this by myself, that is the only way I will feel complete. Why couldn’t we just start hanging out as friends and see where that would take us? Fuck, I don’t want any more pain for a while. I want to be an adult about the whole fucking thing, just establish a friendship and see if it can go further. I’m looking for something that can last, but I just don’t have the time to establish that right now. I’m selfish, but I have to be because this world will fucking eat me up and spit me the fuck out if I don’t. No one can help me, only I can. That is the deal, that is what I have to say and this is my fucking life. I’m being as raw as I want to be, no I haven’t been drinking. Pick yourself up and step up. Goodbye, goodnight… good life.
Well, I’m staying at my other friend’s house tonight. I’ll be there for the next two weeks. I’ll be staying here at Chris’ house On Sunday and Monday. Pretty much this will be the last time I have full access to a computer for a while. Just wanted to let everyone know why there will be a lack of updates. I’ll still be hoping on at the Library when I get a chance and posting updates a bit here and there, but I won’t be able to spill there. Anyways, I’m out for a bit. Keep a smile on your side of the screen for me, I’ll need it. Let the fight begin.
Well, this day has been much. I was just so off kilter all day, things came together while others fell apart. I ended up not keeping an eye on my laundry and so it’s still in Brewer waiting for me. I really didn’t get much done that I wanted to do today either, no one’s fault but my own. My whole situation keeps tapping me on the shoulder every time I get my mind to myself, it’s so fucking heavy. I know that in a few weeks most everything will be right that is wrong right now, but I have to live in the now as much as possible so that I don’t miss anything. I’ve been talking to Tara a lot lately. We met online, but that’s why I put myself up on the net, to have opportunities I might not have had otherwise. We have very much in common, I mean a lot. She is an artist like myself and is very good at what she does. We also have these great conversations about anything. It’s all so crazy to think about sometimes. I mean, I’ve been asking if there is someone out there for me and she could be the one. I’m not making any statements so don’t take me the wrong way. I will say that after the conversations we’ve had about life, art and our pasts I can truly say that I am intrigued. We are very much alike in the department of giving trust up front and being very intuitive as to how people are. You all know how into Astrology I am, but I’m thinking that she knows more than I do. So, in the middle of this whole reality sucks point that I’m at, she is the light in the fog. She cares so much about how I feel and is there to pick me up, which I really have needed as of late. Thing is I do the same thing, like it’s second nature. I don’t know. All I know is that I want to meet her but I don’t want to drag her into the situation I’m in now. This is my pain to face alone. It’s just part of me, of my life. This life is rough at times, but it just spurs me on to take the challenge. I’m glad that I am truly alone in this, I don’t have enough energy to help anyone along this same path. I’ll only be selfish now because I have to. It burns to be like that, it’s just not who I am in a normal situation. My joy comes from giving and getting my own for myself. It makes my world lasher and happier than most. That’s what makes me feel the wind on my face and the rain on my hands and really Aphrodite the sensation of it all. You just can’t apretiate the world at it’s basic beauty if you stay inside yourself all the time. The music in my life now is so beautiful to me. I apretiate every beat, every sound, every word. I am a sponge, squeeze me and I will live another day to soak up life again. I didn’t go into details about how shitty my day was, it’s pain that is for me only.
I just found out today that I can only stay at Chris’ house a few days a week. He ran into his landlord, nuff said. But the guy said that he would be willing to rent to me, so nobody worry about me sleeping in my car. I have to come up with most of the money in the next few weeks, it’s possible for sure. I’m going to dedicate myself to making it happen. Of course that also means my computer access will be limited, but I’ll figure something out and post when I can to keep you all updated. The place is actually bigger than I expected but it’s still affordable. I’ll be staying with another friend of mine for about two weeks, but lucky for me he has a phone. This is all just so much to handle today. I had to figure out where I was going to stay, then seriously look at my income to see how bad rent was going to dent me. I stressed for like 10 minutes but I just slapped in some DJ Tiesto and chilled, got some art done and posted it at deviantART. Everything is ok now, but the residual is just so much to handle. I’m slowly scrubbing it away. I’ll just be glad to relax tomorrow on my day off then go blow off some steam at the gym.
Crisis becomes me
I fall into this pit that grabs hold and won’t let go
I climb and climb for days with no rest
It beats me down but I keep clawing upward
The dirt is moist in my fingernails and on my face
My clothes tear from the strain
Dirt in my eyes
I will never be defeated
In death I will live on in the hearts and minds of those who really loved me
My grave moistened from their sorrow
They will move on
Those pieces of me still in their hearts
Those pieces of them in mine
The memories
The smiles
The tears
The anger
I enjoy the time I have now
All that I learn each day
All that we share
All that I have
All that I’ve lost
It’s all the same to me
My words scar
My words heal
My words bleed
My words change
This is who I am
Who I will be
Who I can never be
Thankful that I am no one but me
Thankful that I am the only one going through this
Cut me as deep as you can
As hard as you can
Challenge me and watch me succeed
Succeed with tears just behind my eyes
Last night I headed out to the SportsXL Center with Brent and Margo. We had a good time bowling, then we hit the Karachi. Brent did Garth Brooks “Friends in Low Places” and blew the crowd away. We were going to do a duet, but the place was packed and they didn’t have the song we wanted to do. I got two requests for Drowning Pool “Bodies” (it never gets old, I guess) from staff members there so I put it up and proceeded to crush the place. It was great and I’m glad I can still speak today. Talked to the girl I met online yesterday. We’ve been though a lot of similar stuff so the level of understanding was maxxed. Friends is the level we are at and I’m happy with that right now. Like I’ve said before, I have a lot of stuff going on in my life now and I don’t want someone who has just entered my life to drown in the whole mess. She is a wonderful photographer and is very artistic, I like that. Well, I’m going to do some more recovering today and see what I can get done. Have a good one.
Here I am, resting up before my shift today. My leg workout got twice as intense last night so my legs are really feeling it. I really haven’t been giving myself very much mental or physical rest as of late, but last night I got plenty of sleep. I finally get paid tomorrow and I can’t wait. There are so many things that I want to do with my money, but I really need to be careful. I need to make it last for 2 weeks until my last paycheck. This check isn’t even my full check since my first week I only worked a few hours.
I’ve also been thinking about dating again the past few days. I’ve been single now for 3 months and having a blast. No one has really turned my head for a while, but it makes me wonder. I’ve been thinking that I’ve been avoiding women because of my track record. I mean, every time I hook up with someone I end up being myself and that is either too much or to little. I guess I’m also scared of what these women will do to me. I’ve definitely let myself be taken advantage of in the last relationship I had and I don’t want that to ever happen again. I know not every woman is the same, but there’s always that fear that I’ll get hurt. I really put myself on the line when I date someone. I give them my all and put 100% into it, but it’s rare that I get that back. I guess what has really got my mind working is this girl I met online. We have been chatting and lately emailing due to my schedule. She seems to be really cool. I feel like I could be 100% me around her, I mean everything including the geeky shit I do; that would be a first. I’m taking it hella slow that’s for sure. I’m not going to let myself shift into turbo. I’m not even sure when we’ll meet, although I hope it is soon. I’m thinking we should meet in a cafe over coffees a few times and keep it on the down low, I don’t want to do the dinner and a movie thing. But with all this going on I’m still staying focused on the things I need to get done. I’ve got to get my own place and I have a lot of work to do on my body before my week off in June. I’m not going to lose sight of my goals this time, I’ve got to keep doing things for me that make me happy as well. Well, I’m going to start getting ready for today. Have a good one.
Vattnet svart
Som manen full
Att jag ar naken och ny
Water black
As the moon is full
Warm nightbreeze whispers
I’m naked and new
I know you’re always throwing kisses from the sky
Well, tonight I caught one
Sixteen years old
I dare to swim further out
I know you’re always throwing kisses from the sky
Well, tonight I caught one
Som om man kunde
Vidrora lycka
Jag virar den runt mig
Som en filt
Det ar bara Du, jag och manen
Like joy was something you could touch
I wrap it around me
Like a blanket
It’s just you, me and the moon
I know you’re always throwing kisses from the sky
Well, tonight I caught one
Sixteen years old
I dare to swim further out
I know you’re always throwing kisses from the sky
Well, tonight I caught one
Well, I’m just about ready to do the site redesign. I’ve decided that my journal will remain in this format, that way I have better access to it from anywhere and on any system. I’m at the library right now killing time till I pick up my next Client. I’m also going to be separating my posts by: Journal Posts (all the personal shit I put up on here) and Geek Posts (all the crap about what’s going on in my world concerning computers and the technical parts of this website). I think this will work better for those of you that don’t give a shit whether I’m using Linux or Windows as my operating system, or don’t even know what .Linux really is. I just want my site to be accessible to as many people as possible. The content will remain the same and as constant as it is now, it’ll just be easier to find what you want to read or see, without having to sort through the mega randomness that is me. I hope everyone will enjoy the new format and the way the page will be presented. I’m going for less of a “website-look” and more for an “easy to use interface”. Things are going to get more complex on my end, I like it that way, and less complex on your end of the screen. This really will be the next evolution in this site and I’m very excited to embark upon it. I’m also going to be looking for your feedback on every part of the site you visit so that I know whether I’m getting it right or messing it up Royally (pun intended). Tonight I’m going to be sitting down and hand sketching out the site on paper so I can get a feel for how it will look. If I feel up to it, I may begin the process of creating all the new site graphics. I’m going to limit myself to that for a few days. Last weekend’s project really consumed me and I’m still tired from it. I don’t want to get burnt out when I’ve got these really great ideas swimming around in my head that are totally possible and easy to apply. I’m even going to be coming home from the gym early tonight. Just so that you understand, I usually go to the gym for 1-2 hours,then I eat dinner at my buddies house and watch movies and shit with him. Tonight I’m going to do the dinner thing, but then I’m busting out to get home and just watch some movies with my buddy Chris. I really need and deserve this rest. The whole thing kind of makes me feel like a newly born butterfly, I love that feeling. Well, I’ve got some research to do on here with the time I’ve got left so I’m out for now. If you get a chance and have access, download or borrow the CDs for the bands that I posted lyrics for, they are really great. Some of it is a bit heavy, but the vocals either way are melodic and really meaningful. Have a good one.
