How come we don’t even talk no more…

Ran into my landlord last night and we agreed that I should move out of my place.  Next Wednesday is the date for “the big move“.  I’m moving all my stuff out of my place on that day and into a storage area at Uhaul till I find a new place to live.  I’ll only have my sleeping bags, clothes and bathroom stuff while I stay at my friend Matt C’s house till I get a new place.  I’ve actually got a meeting scheduled with a possible landlord tonight so I’ll have to give ya’ll an update when I find out what is going on there.  I stayed with Matt C. back in April and for some of May here and there. I had a really great time hanging out with him so things should be great.  I know some of you out there wonder how I can keep going through all this and still hold myself together.  Well, truthfully I lost my shit last night after I talked with my current landlord and unfortunately AJ got to see what I’m like when I panic.  Pile on top of that the fact that I kicked my own ass in the gym and over supplimented afterwards and you’ve got a guy who shakes worse than a crackhead.  Luck for me, she kept a cool head and helped me to get my action plan figured out on my head.  Thanks again, Beautiful.  On the tattoo front…
Kenny and I ended up deciding that, because an old friend of ours is back in town for a few days that, we would hold off on my 1st shoulder tattoo till either Friday or sometime next week.  I’m kind of bummed that I didn’t get inked last night, but I can wait.  I wish I could get the design up on here somehow, but I think I’ll wait and see if I can get actual picutres of the tatttoos, I’m thinking that will be more fun for ya’ll to see.  I’m seriously pumped to get them done.  I’m also pumped that I designed them myself so it’s going to be a very personal thing for me.
I’ve got a few days I’m working at AE next week and I’m glad because I’m going to need the money.  I’m really hoping to be able to get into a new place before September.  I’m saving everything that I can and going easy on the spending for sure.  I’m also shopping around for a new job.  I love my job, but they just can’t pay me what I need in order to live.  I don’t live like a king, nor do I live beyond my means.  I do need to have more money for groceries and such.  I’m also looking for a nice cushy office job where I’m not driving all the time and eating my paychecks up paying for gas.  Hell, I’ve decided that I really can’t be totally happy with any job, so I might as well get a nice paycheck for all the pain.  I’m going to be seeking a receptionist position if I can.  Monday thru Friday, with my weekends off,  will be nice again for sure. 
So, I talked to Blaine last night about my new workout scheme.  He’s totally cool and understands where I am coming from.  I was thinking about the fact that I’ll be at the gym 4 days a week and wondering if I can do it, but now I’m realizing that it’ll be easier than I thought.  I’m only going to be working basically one part of the body per night so I’ll actually not be totally blown out every night.  I’ve got a rest day in the middle of the week that I can use to recover and I dont’ work out on Saturday or Sunday.  It’ll be good to get in and get out fast, I don’t like to waste time there.  Last night I think Matt really saw how much I get done while he’s still doing one exercise, it’s actually been like that for a while now.  He’s doing squats last night (3 sets of 10) while I’m doing Leg Extensions (3 sets of 5-9), Isolated Leg Press (3 sets of 5-9), then staning around waiting for him to finish up.  It does bother me that we won’t be working out at the gym at the same time as much, but I have different goals than he does.  I am on a professional bodybuilder program (no, I’m not going to compete, I just love how it makes my body look and how it makes me feel) and he’s on a endurance/strength routine that helps him with hockey.  It just makes sense that we can’t be on the same program with differnet goals.  I’m starting to get into the more advanced aspects of bodybuilding, such as targeting specific muscle groups in specific ways and “partials“, and it’s just easier if I go by myself and at my own pace (which is overdrive just like those of you who know me well would expect).  I’m also planning on going during the morning hours a few times a week and sometimes during the day.
OK, I’ll catch up with ya’ll later.  Have a good weekend if I don’t get back on here soon.

It’s the only way…

I want to sleep but I can’t.  I’m really tired from the gym today.  I ended up going by myself because Blaine had a hockey game.  We were supposed to work out on Thursday to make up for missing today, but I really want to get one of my tattoos done tomorrow night so I decided to go a head and get it done myself.  The routine was pretty rugged and I’m really happy that it was.  My arms are showing positive effects from it already.  I’m moving to a 4 day workout routine that will target specific parts of the body on specific days.  Monday I’ll be doing legs, Tuesday is Chest, Thursday is Back and Friday is Arms including shoulders.  Seems like a lot of time in the gym, but it’ll actually allow me to get out of the gym sooner.  I’m also considering going during the day on some of those days since I’ve got free time during the day on Monday and Friday.  I really want my body to hit the next level.  I’ve gone as far as I can on Matt’s program and I’m ready to put on more muscle mass.  I’m going to talk to him about the whole deal when we work out tomorrow, I’m sure he’ll be fine with the whole thing.  I can hear some of you yawning so I’ll move on.
I feel closer to AJ with each passing day.  Our schedules only allow for us to really catch up at night during the week, but we’ve been making an effort to see each other when possible.  The thing is, I do want to see her as much as I can.  I really enjoy our conversations and her personality… I don’t know, she just makes me happy.  I have this great comfort level with her because I know she doesn’t want anything from me.  She is into me for who I am, not who everyone thinks I am.  I don’t know, things are just easy with her, like we’ve know each other for a very long time.  Things are moving slow, as they should be, and I’m glad because I really want to know her for who she is.  I just find myself doing and saying things that I wouldn’t normally.  I mean, I know how I am when I’m dating someone and things are deferent this time around, in a good way of course.  She’s lucky that she has caught me at this time in my life.  I’m over everyone that I’ve been with in the past, I mean I have to be in order to move forward in my life.  I’ve hung on to so much of that baggage for so long, but I won’t carry it anymore or any further.  The past is the past.  It’s comforting to know that I can really let her into my life and let the people in my life get to know her.  That’s something that I haven’t been interested in doing with anyone that I’ve been with for a while now, nor have I felt that I could.  Well, I’ve tired myself out finally.  I’m still working on where I’m going to be living and what the fuck I’m going to do with myself, but you all know that I’ll get it figured out and it’ll seem like this time of transition never even happened for me.  Smile, ya fuckers.

I have arrived and this time you should believe the hype…

I got my nine inch nails (NIN) tattoo redone on my calf today by a very good friend of mine who owns Maine Tattoo and I’m really happy about how it came out.  I’ve had the friggin thing since 92′ and it’s been in need of a redo.  He’s going to finish up the original plan for my leg and do a leglet using the NIN design I have.  He’s also putting a tattoo I designed on my shoulders for me this Friday, I may only have time for one but I’m OK with that.  I’m really excited to get inked again.  It’s been such a long time.  I’m not going to go crazy and get all sleaved and shit, but I’m happy that I can get some work done, which is something I wanted to do this summer.  AJ is coming with me if things work out right, or meeting me there.  I’m glad she’s cool with the whole thing since this is something that I really feel strongly about.  I’m sick of getting “I don’t look at your tattoos” from the girls I date, I mean this is part of who I am.  I’ve made the decision to scar myself for life with things that I believe in and love.  Who can question that?  Who can question that I love my nipples being pierced?  What the fuck is it to you if I want to modify my body (I prefer the term “upgrade”)?  I am the same guy no matter how I look.  I am the same guy that makes you smile.  Makes you cry.  Makes you crazy.  I come with tattoos, they’re part of the package.  I will never shit on anyone for having or not having tattoos on their bodies.  It’s a personal choice.  I may not like the art you picked, or I may not prefer to have some huge rings hanging from my body, but that is what makes me the guy that you all know, have come to know or are getting to know.  You’ve already let me know that your mind is closed the second you talk shit about anything I do to my body.  You can say “I would prefer to not have a tattoo” or “I would never get my nipples pierced“, it’s your opinion  about what you would or wouldn’t like done to your body.  Everything I do represents who I know I am.  I’m not some “bad-ass” because I like to get this stuff done, I just like the way it looks and I enjoy those moments of battling with real physical pain.  I’m not some pain freak, it doesn’t get me off.  I just like that needle reminding me that I am human and can feel something if anything.  I feel so fucking numb sometimes that I need that snap back into reality.  Pinch myself?  Try again.  I’ve pinched myself in dreams and not woken up till my mind was done with me.  At least I get to choose these scars, no one is forcing me to get them.  No horrible thing in my life happened to give them to me.  I’ve decided to remind myself about who I am every time that I look in that mirror.  I am Andrew Alexander Royal and I wouldn’t choose to be anyone else, ever.  This is who I am.  This is my blood dried on my leg.  This is the artwork that I’ve decided I want to put on display for the rest of my life.  Can you really bleed?  Can you bleed and not put a bandaid on it and try to forget the scar that it leaves?  Or can you grasp something bigger and accept all that has happened in your life and know that it’s been your life.  My life has been great.  It’s been tough as fucking nails in the fucking eye.  It’s been soft and passionate.  It’s been beautiful and filled with everything I’ve ever wanted.  Can you really say the same?  Can you say that you have everything you want?  I get all these things just by waking up in the morning.  I get them by being alive.  Are you really alive?  Yes?  Cheers to you.  No?  Get the fuck out of that hole and feel some life.  Bleed a little by choice or accident.  Just don’t be afraid of any of it, this is the life you have been given by whatever the fuck you believe in.  Bleed for yourself and no one else.  Just fucking bleed.

Lay your hands on me…

Hmmm… at the library on a Thursday morning, unheard of.  So, I guess I didn’t go into more detail about the lady I’m talking to because I know she goes on the site here.  I know some of you may be surprised by that, the fact that I’m holding back, but I’ll try to explain why I’m doing it and maybe I’ll just give up and gush like a sissy on here.  See, I’d rather tell her the things that she makes me think about.  I know that since I do know that she goes on here that in a way I would be telling her what I’m feeling, but at the same time some things are private.  There are things that I want to say that I don’t want to share with all of you, it makes it less special.  There is always the example of the newscaster who asked his girlfriend to marry him on the 5 o’clock news, but I’m not sure that’s the way I am.  No, I am not thinking about marriage at this stage for Christ’s sake, so calm the fuck down.  Anyways.  I can say that I love hanging out with her.  There is just something in everything that she is that makes me smile.  The way she moves.  The way she talks.  Hell, I even like the way she dresses.  I’m slowly finding out more and more about her with each passing day and I like that.  I mean, I like to be bold and have  that “what do you want to know” attitude, but that’s not really what I’m looking for.  I’m looking forward to seeing her this weekend, I just know that we’ll have fun no matter what we do.  I also know that if she’s having a bad time she’ll clue be in so we can bust, won’t you?  LOL.  It does make me feel week to get home every day and check my CallerID to specifically see if she’s called or not, but then again that tells me that I really do give a damn, which for me is rare.  I’m really blown away by the fact that we did meet on the internet.  My track record with girls on the internet was anything but good up until now.  She’s beautiful, intelligent, funny and a really great kisser.  Did I mention she’s a great kisser.  It’s the kind of kiss I haven’t had since “making out” was a big deal, and trust me it’s better than it was then ten-fold.  Ok, enough about that.  Did I mention that she’s an awesome dancer?  Fuck yeah.  It’s good to have someone that doesn’t have to be all up on my shit all the time, though I don’t mind that either.  Listen to me, I’m a fucking sissy.  Ok, I’m going to recompose myself…
I’ve got my new place all lined up.  I should be moving in the middle of August.  I’m not moving very far, but far enough away from the ghetto that I can actually feel safe again.  Plus, I’m moving down the street from Blaine so we’ll see what kind of chaos that causes.  Not bad chaos, just he whacky shit that transpires when we get together.  Speaking of that, it is our last night at Golds for a while.  I’m so excited to get the fuck out of there.  The place isn’t air conditioned unless you’re on the fucking treadmills which I’m not even allowed to be on with my current program.  Fuck, cardio would eat me alive.  I could go on about all the shit that sucks at Golds, besides the fact that we’ve made some great new friends there, but I won’t.  So, we’re going to tear that place a new one tonight and turn it into a three ring circus.  Fuck, if folks aren’t laughing while we’re there tonight, Matt and I will just have to turn the “fuckface” and “wrekless” level up to 100.  Well, I’m out of shit to say believe it or not.  Have a good one and I’ll hopefully post again much sooner than last time.

Stay in shadow…

So… I went on that date Saturday night.  I had a fucking blast!  We had dinner at Bugaboo and talked for a long time there.  We then hit an 80s party I forgot I was supposed to attend and had a pretty good time there.  After that we hit the SportsXL Center to meet up with some folks that weren’t there, no big loss.  Then we hit the Whig for a few drinks and some really great conversation.  Of course we hit Benjamins after the Whig for some dancing and let me tell you, it was fun as hell.  We spent the last part of our night just talking some more and getting acquainted, which means “learning about each other” to those of you that use that word for other activities.  I ended up leaving my jacket, sunglasses and prescription sunglasses in her car, no not on purpose ya fuck, so we met up on Sunday after Blaine and I went swimming at Beach Hill.  What was supposed to be a routine “drop and grab” turned into us, the girl and I, hanging out for the rest of the night.  I’m telling ya, we are getting along like we’ve known each other for years.  I have to be honest and say that on Saturday afternoon before she showed up, I was nervous about the whole thing, but I’m glad everything has happened the way it has.  I’m just sorry it took so long to happen.  We’ve talked every night this week so far and I’ve really enjoyed it.  We’re going to hit the town again this weekend, but I’m not even sure what we’re going to do.  It was more fun just flying by the seat of our pants than planning the whole thing out.  I wish I could go into more detail about her, but my head is just swimming right now.  I really like her, I guess that’s sums it up for now.  Anyways, I’m going to head back to my place and take a nap, which I need at this point.  I’ll be back on to post later, I’m sure of it.  If not, I’ll be on here in the morning tomorrow and I’ll try and go into more detail about this wonderful lady that I’m hanging out with now.  What?  The other one?  She’s been dropped off.  End of story.

I’m heel over head, leave my eyes in clouds again

Surprise, I’m at the library on a Thursday morning. Not much is going on right now. I am finally going to meet a person I’ve been chatting with for a while now on Saturday. We’re going out dancing, though I’d like to do the dinner thing first and have a chance to really talk. We’re both flying by the seat of our pants so anything is possible. I’m excited about it. This meeting has been a long time coming. In other news…
I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately and trying to stay away from the TV. I feel like I’ve wasted enough time watching TV. I’m re-reading “The Lord of the Rings” right now, which I haven’t done since Junior Highschool. I’m not even sure that I made it all the way through the series back then now that I think of it. I’m having an easier time reading through it at this point in my life, that’s for sure. It’s gotten so bad that I’m reading all the source material in the back of the book as I’m reading the story, pretty geeky I know. I just need to keep my brain busy with flights of fancy in my down time. Well, I’m kind of out of more to say at this point. If I don’t post again, have another great weekend.

Montgomery Gentry “If You Ever Stop Loving Me”

My old man’s backhand used to land,
Hard on the side of my head.
I just learned to stay out of his way.
There’s been streetfights, blue lights,
Long nights with the world sittin’ on my chest:
It just showed me how much I could take.
Hard times, bad luck.
Sometimes, life sucks.

That’s all right, I’m ok.
It ain’t nothin’ but another day.
But only God knows where I’d be,
If you ever stopped lovin’ me.

The bank man, the boss man, the lawman,
All tryin’ to get their hands on me.
And I ain’t even done a danged thing wrong.
I’ve been waylaid, freight-trained, short-changed,
By bigger an’ badder men.
An’ all I got to say is: “Bring it on.”
Hard rain, rough road,
So my life goes.

That’s all right, I’m ok.
It ain’t nothin’ but another day.
But only God knows where I’d be,
If you ever stopped lovin’ me.

I need you,
Gotta have you,
In my life, on my side,
Every day I’m alive,
Every might when I’m greedy an’ needing,
You!

That’s all right, I’m ok.
It ain’t nothin’ but another day.
But only God knows where I’d be,
If you ever stopped lovin’ me.

It ain’t nothin’ but another day.
But only God knows where I’d be,
If you ever stopped lovin’ me.

Baby, never stop lovin’ me.

Ah, just see, what your lovin’ does to me.
——————————————-

Well, here I am showing how broad my musical tastes are again. Yeah, it’s a country song, but I really like it. I also dig that Kenny Wayne Shepard song “Blue on Black”. Hey, if you don’t like it, no big deal. If you think I’m an ass for liking country, fuck off and don’t come back here. Goodnight.

My horrorscope for, well yesterday

July 12, 2004 – Gemini Horoscope
You have a lot of intuition and you are some kind of visionary man, Drew! Today’s energies will incite you to learn from your past experiences and to develop a new behavior. But you have to understand that the stars are only here to help you, and that you will have to do all the work! Try to reorganize your life so that you can prepare for the changes to come. Be open and fearless!
July 12, 2004 – Rising Sun
With Mars opposite Neptune today, you could feel a conflict between self-interest and the needs of the group. You could be very wrapped up in your own concerns today, but others might really need your help. At work, try not to be too self-absorbed. If a colleague is struggling with something, step in and assist. It will do you good to distract yourself from the worries that could be buzzing through your head!

Godsmack “Running Blind”

Can’t find the answers
I’ve been crawling on my knees
Looking for anything
To keep me from drowning
Promises have been turned to lies
Can’t even be honest inside
Now I’m running backward
Watching my life wave me goodbye

Running blind
I’m running blind
Somebody help me see I’m running blind

Searching for nothing
Wondering if I’ll change
I’m trying everything
But everything still stays the same
I thought if I showed you I could fly
Wouldn’t need anyone by my side
Now I’m running backward
With broken wings I know I’ll die

Running blind
I’m running blind
Somebody help me see I’m running blind
Running blind
Running blind
Running blind

I can’t find the answers
I’ve been crawling on my knees
Looking for anything
To keep me from drowning
I’m running blind

——————————————-

“I’m trying everything, but everything still stays the same” really hits home tonight. My landlord stopped by today to tell me that if I didn’t have a large amount of money for him on Friday that he’s going to have to ask me to leave. I’m not sure how I’m going to get the money, but I’m working on it. God knows I’ve sold everything, so that’s out.
I talked with a friend of mine today and she really helped me out. See, I’ve realized that I’m depressed right now, still not sure why, but I’m trying to find out. I guess June was just a really rough month. I wasn’t sure what things in my life would last. I had not stability, even though I always make it seem like I do. Some folks can read me, but they are rare and special in my life. My luck always seems to be bad around this time of year, that or fate kicks me in the balls every year around this time. My head is clearing, but I’m going to have to mediate on all the stuff that is going on in my life. I have some stuff going on that I don’t post on here, but that’s only because venting on here about those things won’t help the situation, I mean some stuff is out of my hands of course. I guess all I can really do is take this week day by day and keep my eye on the clock at the same time, quite a feat let me tell you. I just don’t know what to think anymore. Sucks that I’m sleeping away these beautiful days that we’re having. I sleep this much when I’m depressed, that’s how I know what’s going on in my head. Guess my brain just doesn’t want to deal with reality, or reality is tiring the fuck out of it. Either way, I’m going to use a book I’ve got to deal with what’s going on. I may have questions that I haven’t asked myself that will help me figure out what the poison is then kick it the fuck out of me. I guess I just don’t feel like I can be myself right now. I mean, I’m very intense and happy go lucky, but it’s so hard right now. I’ll get it back. Everything will work out one way or another and I’ll survive the whole fucking ordeal. That’s just the way it is. Alright, I’m off for a walk to the store to enjoy some of this fresh air. Keep smiling on your side of the screen, maybe it will spill over onto here.

I’m out here all alone, for you again…

Well, most of this weekend was a bust. That’s all I really want to say about it because typing it in here would be just as bad as reliving it.
Saturday my apartment got broken into while I was on my second shift at work (Between 12:50PM and 5:30PM) and all my DVDs got stolen, plus some cash I had for my landlord. Yesterday I worked at AE at 6AM till 1:30PM then went tanning. I got in the hottest bed there and passed out so I ended up feeling like I had heat stroke last night and missed out on a gathering that I really wanted to attend. So yeah, I’m still trying to not be bummed. Anyways, I don’t have much to say right now, so I’ll have to post sometime again soon when my head is clear.