It was you that could get me high with whatever you say…

So let me fill you in on a little something that you might not know about me. I disappear. When I need time to myself, which can last anywhere from a day to a few months, I disappear off of the radar for a while. My true long time friends have come to expect it and aren’t bothered by it at all. I’m feeling like I’m heading into one of these time periods and I’m trying to avoid it at all costs. Don’t get me wrong, there are still people that I see and hang out with during this time, but not everyone gets that side of me. While I was house sitting this weekend I thought really hard about my life and who I am. You see, I’ve spent my whole life feeling out of place. I’ve never really fit in anywhere, I exist where I end up and that’s just the way it is. I spent most of my childhood alone, since most of my friends were real jerks, so I’m most comfortable by myself. I’m not even sure if I will ever find a place where I truly fit in. I mean, when you spend all of your time being uncomfortable, even in the place that you live, it’s easy to adapt to any situation or place. All you are doing is just being uncomfortable in a different place or situation. I guess what I’ve tried to do all these years, and I’m going to stop trying by the way, is find a place to fit in. A place where I can be myself with whomever I am with. I thought I would find that comfort when I got married and in the back of my mind I was sure that that would solve my problem. As we all know, it didn’t by a long shot. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m getting tired of acting like everything is fine and that I’m happy with the friends I hang out with. Most of the time I’m not. Now, if you are one of my friends, don’t freak out, I’m sure that the folks that care enough to get on this site should know that they are special to me. I’m not the crazy outgoing guy that you know from the bars, that’s just me covering up. I’m not the guy always trying to stir up trouble, it just happens to hover over my life. I’m not the guy that doesn’t give a fuck about what anyone thinks, I’m just better at hiding it than most. I’m not even the guy who knows who he is, I’m still searching. I’m the guy that goes to the gym with his favorite workout partner, himself. The guy that goes to the movies with his best friend, himself. I’m the guy that doesn’t really give a shit if anyone gets the jokes he makes because they are only for my enjoyment. See, some of you got to know me and I mellowed out. It made you think that something changed me, maybe you changed me. That was not the case at all. You got to see the real me, the one that I have inside of me 24/7 that hates the crazy side. That crazy side is always causing trouble. No, it’s not some kind of multiple personality disorder or anything, it’s what being a real Gemini is like. I am thoughtful. I am kind to others. I do care about people and their opinions (well, sometimes). I do want to fit in. I do want you to like me for who I am, not all the hype that surrounds me or that I create. This weekend I got the crazy idea about moving to Canada. I mean think about it, I could be myself up there and no one would even know about all the bullshit that has gone on down here. None of the fuckers that I try to keep out of my life would even want to spend the money on international calling to get a hold of me so that they could make my life miserable. Fuck, I don’t know. All I know is that I’m going to keep this week low-key. I’m going to have a good Friday night with someone that I’ve missed very much. I’m going to live my life for me and the people that love me. I’m going to keep giving people bullshit when they try to give it to me. I’m just going to keep it all going because I don’t know any other way now. This is just the way it is. This is who I am. I will not apologize to anyone that’s been stepped on, it was just as painful when you did it to me. You didn’t fool me in the first place when you said you were sorry. If you can’t handle who I am than you are not my friend, but I guarantee that I’ve already figured it out so don’t worry about having to drop your act. I play dumb real good, so keep on thinking you’ve got the upper hand. Keep on thinking that I would do anything for you. Keep thinking that I’m as blind as you think I am. If only you knew, it would make you throw up. It would shock you. It would turn you view of me upside down on it’s head. Fuck, I doubt you could even handle it, Fake. I’ll keep shaking your hand at the club. I’ll keep honking my horn when I drive by you. I’ll wave when I see you with that big old smile of mine. I’ll give you a hug and tell you that it’s been too long. I’ve still got the knives sticking out of my back, when are you going to come and collect yours? When are you going to reach for my hand as you fall and find out it’s not there. Yeah, say “hi” to the bottom for me, I’m sure I’ll see it in the coming months. Lucky for me it’s so dark down there I won’t have to see your ugly face. Have a good life. No goodbyes for my enemies.
Venting is now over. The rest of you have a great night. I’ll talk to you soon.

GEMINI, Monday, August 30, 2004

Relationships have been the source of powerful changes for you Twins over the last few years. Perhaps it is because you have attracted intense people into your life. Perhaps it is because you have needed catalysts to initiate much-need growth. Whatever the reason, today you may feel like you have experienced enough change. You are ready for things to stabilize and settle down. But they won’t. And it’s a good thing, for if they did, you’d become bored pretty quickly.
- – - – -
Shit. It’s hard being a True-Blue Gemini.

They keep calling me…

Check out Amanda Jeanne’s BLOG right here: http://amandajeanne.blogspot.com/. Now that I’ve possibly embarrassed her for the day, let’s move on. You love it. So, I went out last night, against my better judgment, with a friend of mine. The deal is that she knows that we are just friends. I know that we are just friends. There is no other future for us. Well, that all went to hell last night when she got as lit as I was. We danced and I had a moderately good time, Wednesdays suck at the Barnyard and I always seem to forget till I am there every two months. Anyways, on the cab ride home things went awry. She was asking me for a little something more than what my girl friends get from me and I kept refusing. Then I made the mistake of kissing her. What the fuck. So basically, I got out of the cab when I got to my place and told her “goodnight” and that nothing was going to happen. Why do I shy away from tequila again? Oh yeah, cause I’m a fucking idiot when I drink too much of it. Fuck! So then she says that she’ll be back and I’m like “Ah, no you won’t. See you on Friday“. Well, she showed back up and woke up my roommate, due to the fact that I was nailed to my bed. I’m not sure what transpired after that, since I was in and out of consciousness and had already thrown up, but hopefully the guy I’m living with doesn’t hate me or want me out ASAP. I fucking hate drama. I hate when I make things clear that I am just friends with a girl and she’s like “yeah, OK, totally” but is totally falling for me and shit. Why am I so blind sometimes? Anyways, I’m uncomfortable with the whole situation and I’m not sure what I have to say to her the next time I run into her. I guess I should wait till my head is clear and I’ve done some serious thinking about it. All I know is that if I’m not interested in someone and I express it, they should fucking listen. I guess that’s all for now. Later. Wait. No, fuck it. I’ll post again when things are clear. Peace.

If the pain goes on, I’m not gonna make it…

I’ve been sick for the past two days and it’s really sucked. I felt better last night so I went to the gym, but unfortunately I must’ve used up all the energy I earned because I was down and out again today. Oh well, I rested quite a bit today and I’m feeling pretty good right now. Went out and did some grocery and regular shopping tonight and it felt good to do it. My car is fixed but I have to wait until Friday to pick it up when I get my paycheck. I get my yearly pictures taken on Sunday night and I’m excited. I’m going to do some shots for the dating websites that I’m on, plus some body-shots for the new website I’m working on. I have a friend that I really trust and who takes really good pictures doing it. By the way, this site will be changing just a little bit. The first page you get to will let you decide what section of the site you want to go to. The journal will stay in the same format but the other stuff (poetry, pictures, etc) will be returning in a new section of the site. I’m still brainstorming the look and layout, but I should be getting it all done in the next month (a realistic goal considering my crazy life). Well, I’ve got some other stuff to do. Have a good one.

Take your clothes right out the dryer…

So, the tables have turned. Brent has this level of dedication to going to the gym that I couldn’t even fathom until tonight. I finally got it tonight because I’ve been getting the same look I used to give him from the people in my life. See, going to the gym used to just be something that I did a few times a week and it made me feel pretty damn good about myself. Now, I go to the gym with a different attitude and it affects my whole life. I’m now starting to live the life of a real bodybuilder. I’m eating healthy 90% of the time and really being conscious about what I put in my body. I’m 100% effective at the gym and if I’m not I take a few minutes and psych myself back into it because I have to. I’m really into my own body, I mean I really can’t pass a reflective surface without checking my body out. Now don’t get the wrong impression, I’m not being narcissistic, I’m finding my trouble spots and making mental notes that I have to fix them. My body has become my clay, I’m shaping and molding it and making it something more than what an ordinary person has. I could’ve stopped a few months ago and been happy with the way I looked. I mean, I’ve always got folks in my life letting me me know how good I look. The reality is that I can’t stop, I know that I can go further. Now don’t think that I’m going to push myself to the edge or beyond what I’m capable of achieving. I just know where I can get to and it is a goal that I’m am furiously pursing. I know that it will take time to get the body that I really want. I know that by using illegal chemicals I will actually be destroying my body trying to get the results I want. I’m willing to do it the natural way and take my time. I’m willing to try and achieve physical perfection, or at least as close as I can ever get to it. The rewards in the rest of my life make it all worth it. Looking the way I do opens doors to people and places that I could’ve never reached if I just didn’t give a fuck about myself. Looking this way also closes some doors and makes people hate me because they think I’m some sort of freak that lives at the gym and thinks I’m better than everyone. Let them think that. Let them make judgments based off of their own insecurities. Too bad they don’t realize that their own insecurities rule much more of their life than how they feel about me. Fuck, I’m doing it all for me. I do so much for those in my life, this is my payback to myself. I can’t remember feeling weak anymore. I can’t remember being so depressed that I drank or did drugs to the point of wishing my life would end. I can’t remember what was going on in my head when I put the barrel of my .22 rifle in my mouth all those years ago and put my finger on the trigger. I can’t remember what made me waste my time with people that had as much respect for me as the cigarette butts they were stomping out on the ground. I can’t remember thinking that I wasn’t worth more than a piece of shit. That time is over and so far away from me now that it’s like having someone else’s memories in my head. Fuck, I’ve spent 80% of this life selling myself short. I’ve wasted time in the blur of drugs and alcohol to cover up the emotions that I didn’t realize that I could actually handle. I’ve wasted time with people who never even tried to start some sort of life for themselves. People who had no love for anything or themselves. People who gave up in the locker room of life. That anger, and yes I’m angry about all that and don’t bother even posting and telling me not to be angry about it, is part of my fuel. It is one of things that keeps me kicking ass in as many areas of my life as I can. I’m still angry at myself. I’m still angry at a lot of people. I’m still angry about situations that were out of my control, except that I chose to involve myself in one way or another. My anger is all I’ve got sometimes. I may hide it from those of you that see me face to face. No, I’m not angry at any of you. I just can’t walk around with the chip on my shoulder painted hunter’s orange for all to see. I am dealing with that chip an the scars that I’ve acquired every day. I am slowly working through all the shit that floats around in my head on a daily basis. Yeah, I still get sad and angry just like everyone else. I have feelings under this icy exterior I put up all the time. I still keep my mouth shut when I’d rather be telling someone how much I love or hate them. This is me. No amount of therapy that I’ve had or could have will change that. I’ve made the decision that I’d rather deal with this stuff on my own. I don’t really value other people’s opinions very much, sorry to say it but it’s true. If I don’t ask, I could give a fuck what anyone has to say about anything. I know that the only solutions that have ever worked for me are the ones that I come up with and follow through on my own. No one needs to hold my dick while I take a piss. No one needs to message my shoulders at a job interview so that I can stay calm. I’m the one there, making the moves myself, my hand free of another’s hold. I am the one at the gym making my body look like some anatomical wonder. I am the one that has to feel good about the clothes I put on the in the morning. I guess what I’m getting at is that some of you can really understand what I have to say on here and in person. Some of you can not even begin to fathom what I’m talking about yet you still visit. I value each one of you that takes minutes out of your day to listen to the things that I bleed on here. You are all part of my strength. You are all part of my inspiration to do this as much as I do. You are the ones that I know I can say anything to and it may shock you or make you laugh, but you are willing to get to know a part of me that only I know and I love it. I’m also trying to say that I’ll always be angry about something, but it is my nature. Do not, under any circumstances, try to extinguish the flame that burns like the sun inside of me. I will change for no one but myself. When I do change, you may miss it because it’s so subtle. I change every day for the betterment of myself and sometimes for those around me. My life is a marriage of these things, this is how I live. Adapt and overcome. That’s what I’m doing in the gym. That’s what I’m doing when I’m at home learning something I need to know. That’s what I’m doing when I ask an experts opinion. I will never stop, not for anyone or anything. I guess I’m beginning to realize that I put big goals and demands on those around me. I’m glad that some of you can survive it. Goodnight.

In a world of human wreckage…

I’d have to say that yesterday was the best day off that I’ve had in a while. I had some work to do at the office until about 12:30PM, but I spent the rest of the day doing what I wanted and getting a lot of things accomplished. Brent and I hung out for most of the afternoon and went shopping at the fitness store that is located just behind Best Buy. I got some wrist supports I had been looking for and I’m looking forward to using them tonight. Then we went to the Natural Living Center where I found out that I could have been buying some of the supplements that I use at 1/3 of the price that I’ve been paying for either GNC or Twin Lab brand. I decided to make them my first stop the next time I need something and we headed out to lunch. We ended up going to Quiznos instead of my usual Subway and let me tell you, there subs are awesome. If you’ve never had one of their toasts subs before, I suggest you give them a try. After dropping Brent off I went to the park to read and enjoy the weather. What a great day it was outside. After that I stopped in and saw a friend I hadn’t seen in two weeks, which was good because I missed talking to her. Then it was off to… drum roll… Maine Tattoo to hang with my buddies that work there. I called the new garage I’m going to, since Hobbs/Shaws in Orrington hadn’t even picked up my car as of yesterday afternoon (a week late at this point), they seem really cool. The guy that runs it happens to be an X of my older sisters so the deal should be good (he’s still a bit sweet on her). Then I remembered that was I was supposed to be doing all afternoon was my laundry, time flies. Ken offered me the key to his place so I could use his washer and dryer, plus he refused to let me pay to do laundry when I could do it at his house for free. On the way to Ken’s I passed a salon that my buddy Bob owns and realized I hadn’t talked to Bob in over 3 weeks. So I started my laundry and then headed down there for a few hours to visit. I have so much fun down there, I really should stop in a bit more often, but I don’t want to wear out my welcome. Then it was back to Ken’s to hang out for a while and watch him tattoo this bizzaro chick and have pizza. It may not sound like it was that exciting, but I got to see a whole shitload of my friends in one day, it’s not very often that I even I have time to do that type of thing. So I’m still in a good mood today because of it. Now if I can just muster enough strength to head to the gym tonight, like I’d skip out, I’ll be all set. I’m sure that by 5:30PM I’ll be ready to hit it hard and then head home for a big dinner. I guess that’s all for now. I’m going to be staying in for most of the weekend, at least that’s the plan. All I’ve got on the agenda is to pick up my car and get my hair cut on Friday night. Anyways, have a great weekend, although I’m sure I’ll be posting on her again soon.

Public apology to AmandaJeanne

I’m not sure that this the right thing to do, but it’s what I feel is the right thing. Amanda, I am sorry for dragging you into another confusing part of my life. I had stated, even before our first date, that I just wanted to have fun and not get wrapped up. That was my intention, but it wasn’t concrete enough to be my mind set. I apologize for letting things get to the point they did where things are uncomfortable between us right now. I am so sorry for pushing you into something that you didn’t want in the first place. My own blurry focus has messed things up again, I’m just sorry that it had to be you that was in the crossfire. I should have just kept things casual on my end, instead of getting so wrapped up. Please do not let this lapse of judgment on my part ruin your view of who I really am. I hope this public apology has begun to mend the situation or at least given you pleasure in knowing that I’m admitting that I made a mistake. Please know that you can count on me as a true friend from this point on, if you choose to do so. Nothing that was said between us will ever be anything but between us. I will further use this experience to make sure that I make my intentions clear to everyone in my life, especially myself. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

I carried another torch and it’s not the last one

So, let’s see. I’m not sure that I’ll have time to post tomorrow so I guess I’ll do my update tonight. Friday night I went out with my buddy Liz for some karaoke, it was a blast. After that foolishness we headed to “The Barnyard” for some dancing, I was pretty lit and not ready to go to bed yet. It was fun to go out dancing since I haven’t really been out in a few weeks. After that we wrapped with breakfast at Dysarts and she dropped my drunk ass off. Saturday was the same old same old, I worked then just chilled at the house for the rest of the night. I’ve been kind of taking it easy as of late, since I’m really working hard on my body. I’ve already reshaped my back in two weeks time and my progress is doing nothing but moving forward. I’m not sure if I already mentioned it but my leg is back to 100% and has been for about 4 days now. I guess that’s the punishment that I get for straying from my routine. Everyone wants to overtrain me and are convinced that I can get ridiculous results in a months time. The real deal is that it’s going to take me a few years of serious training to get my body in the shape I want it to be in. Hell, I look really good now, or at least that’s what everyone tells me. I’m not satisfied, there are some things that I want to change. Here I am changing those things, working my ass off, and I’m getting realistic results and it’s making me happy. I’ve stopped listening to anyone about anything that has to do with my health or my workout routine. I’ve done the research and I know my body better than anyone else does, so I’m the expert. I’m doing better than I ever have on anyone else’s routine so everyone can fuck off. If I don’t ask, shut the fuck up. Don’t tell me to eat, I’ll fucking slap your fucking face off. I eat what a 180lbs. guy would eat to maintain his weight. I’m eating healthy and I feel great. And as far as what I do in the gym, I know what the fuck I’m doing. Most of the reason I left Golds was due to the fact that everyone is a fucking expert there, hey if any of you are reading “Fuck off!”. Sorry to rant, I just had to get that out in the open. See, I do all this research on anything that I want to know about. By the time I’m done I know things inside and out, I have no doubts in the knowledge that I’ve gained. It pays off in more ways than one. Lucky for me the guys that work out at USA respect me and treat me great, like and equal. Fuck, there are huge powerlifters there that have been asking me to spot them as of late, it makes me feel great. Here I am, a small guy, and they’re confident that if they get into trouble I’ll be able to pull that heavy weight off of them. What can I say, I’m serious when I’m there. I don’t talk to anyone unless they talk to me. I concentrate on execution and I apply myself whole heartedly. I’m not there to pick up chicks or make new friends, don’t get me wrong if any of that happens then it happens, I’m there to create the body that I could only dream about when I had the “heroin addict” body that I had for years and years. I get my pictures finally taken in a few weeks and I’m really excited to post them and get feedback from folks. I’m going to post them right next to the shot of me with no shirt on from last August so you can all really see the difference. I know some of you can, but it’ll be fun to have them up here. I’m going to do pictures every year so that my progress is documented, maybe some skinny guy can see that it is totally possible and become the man that is waiting inside of him. Anyways, enough about my body for fucks sake…
I’m finding that I really miss the girl I was just dating. I really don’t want to get into any details about what went on that gets me to where I am now (Single). I will say that things went in a direction that I didn’t expect at all. It’s hard to give yourself to each new person that comes into your life. I’ve been burned so many times in the past, this time not included in those so don’t get the wrong idea, but I never seem to give up. I know I have times where I give up for a little while, but for some reason I just keep coming back. I just have this hope that someone someday will be themselves with me and allow me to be myself and that alone will make me happy. A friend and I were talking the other night about “What I’m looking for in a woman?”. She decided that I don’t really know what I’m looking for. That’s not entirely true. I’m looking for someone that, as I said above, is willing to be themselves, no matter how crazy that may be, and let me be myself. That’s what being intimate means to me, no holes barred. I want someone who gets the part of me that only I know and be open to the same. Yeah, I want a girl that I’m attracted to of course, but there’s more to that than looks. I know girls that are drop dead gorgeous but are so fucked up on the other side of those eyes that it turns my stomach to think about them as anything more than friends or acquaintances. I will never give up, even if there is no one there to hold my hand on my death bed, I will still have hope that love is something that is real. I believe it is. Not the “love” that I’ve fallen into so many times in the past, but a “true love” that is unbreakable. No, I don’t go out looking for love, I learned the hard way that if you manufature it, it becomes some black and twisted thing that eats you up inside. I want the safety and security that comes from knowing that someone feels for me the same thing that I feel for them. I’ve been close a few times so I know it’s a real thing, but the timing has been wrong or the person was too weak. I don’t know how many girls have told me how tough they are and have turned out to be so damn weak and afraid of themselves that it really was unbecoming. All I know is that right now my heart is a little wounded and I don’t have room for anyone new in my life right now, that I’m sure of. Who knows what tomorrow, or even next week will bring, but I don’t need to know tonight. I know that things will work themselves out the way they were meant to. Fate will laugh at me again, or toss me something that I didn’t expect. Can anyone really handle me? Can I really handle anyone? Fuck, I know I can handle anything. As far as the other end of that goes, it’s never up to me. Are you out there?

Lo Pro Lyrics

Thread

-

I weathered another storm

But it’s not the last one

I know this isn’t over

I know it’s just begun

I feel it getting stronger

I see clouds behind the sun

Breathe out, take it all in

Patience gone south and the cycle begins

I’m running out of words

I’m running out of time

So was it all worth the weight on my mind

And I start to fall apart

And I’m hurt by what’s inside

I carried another torch

And it’s not the last one

I wave a crown of loneliness

Out of feeling overrun

I’m hung up on the ugliness

That I cannot overcome

Breathe out, take it all in

Patience gone south and the cycle begins

I’m running out of words

I’m running out of time

So was it all worth the weight on my mind

And I start to fall apart

And I’m hurt by what’s inside

And I feel like it’s not just in my head

When I feel like I’m just hanging by a thread

And I start to fall apart

And I’m hurt by what’s inside

And I start to fall apart

And I’m hurt by what’s inside

Ignition

-

I think I’ll say goodbye to the bright side

I think I’ll change my mind

And let the worlds collide

I’ll throw it all away

Releasing everything

I feel like I’m home again

Where everything feels right

I’m all alone again

But I am right inside

Ignoring all the pieces of my broken life

And hiding all the patches

On my beaten pride

I’m seeing everything in a different light

And proving to myself I’m still alive

I’ll throw it all away

Releasing everything

I feel like I’m home again

Where everything feels right

I’m all alone again

But I am right inside

Proving to myself I’m still alive

I feel like I’m home again

Where everything feels right

I’m all alone again

But I am right inside

Yeah.

Well I hope there’s someone out there waiting to bring me back to you…

GEMINI (May 21 – Jun 20): You might feel like you are getting nowhere fast, like a hamster running around in a wheel. The exhilaration of movement has long passed. Now you are just tired of going around in circles. Things are, however, ready to change, if you are ready to change with them. Hold on tight just a little longer if you can. Then, when it feels right, go ahead and make a run for your goals.

“Nowhere fast” is how I feel today. I’m in some sort of funk that I’ve been in since last night. Here’s my MSN one:

Connect with people on a deep level, dear Gemini. You will find that much of your focus is on emotional security. Make sure your home is a place of sanctuary where you feel free and comfortable to be exactly who you are. Demonstrate patience and understanding through all your words and actions. You will find that the more solid and steady you are, the more you will get done, and the more you will connect with the people around you

I seem to connect with many people on a deeper level, no matter what day it is. I’m with my client right now who is convinced that there is something wrong with me and it’s worrying him. I’ve repeatedly told him that “everything is fine“. I guess I’m not convincing because I’m not even sure that is the true answer, myself. All I know is that a lot of the bullshit that has been stressing me out (license suspension, the Audi and my living situation) for the last few months is either fixed or is being fixed at the moment. So I guess I’m not sure what is bothering me exactly. Things are going good at Constantine’s and hopefully I’ve been a good roommate thus far. Work is… well, work is work. I’m going to start seriously job hunting next week on my days off. I really need to find something else that I can seriously turn into a career that will make me at least a little more money than I make now. Bob from Orland Springs hasn’t called me back yet so I’m not holding my breath. It seemed as though the other gentleman may have finally strapped on a set and bought the business from Bob. I can’t blame Bob for working it out with him. Bob has some physical stuff that limits how much he can do and it’s been proving to be more and more difficult to do the job he does. I’d be ready to get the fuck out and retire myself. That doesn’t mean that I need to give up on finding something else, though. Anyways, enough about that. Back to the fact that I’ve got this London-style fog in my brain. I had a fairly relaxing day yesterday and watched a few movies with Constatine. I also got my Bulldog tattoo finished in the morning and I’ll tell ya, it looks fucking sweet. Kenny and I are going to hook up on Sunday or Monday night and get my shoulders done, I’ll be so happy to have those done, remember it’s the design I created. I’ve got this wedding reception to attend on Saturday and I’m kinda 50/50 about the whole thing. I do want to go and see my buddy Chad and have a few drinks, plus get to take the Audi out for a little burn up. I don’t know what the other thing is that is on the opposing side. I just can’t figure some stuff out this week, it’s just hanging in the shadows. Well, I guess that’s it for now. Hope ya’ll are having a great week. Smile for me, please. That’s all any of you can really do for me.