Welcome back…

So I finally got my new site design up, of course you already know this because it got you here. I’m not really feeling like spilling on here tonight, but I will do an update this week. For now, I’ll try to summerize what has been going on.

1. I still hate my job and I’m looking for something new.
2. My car is toast (yes, the Audi) and I’m looking for a new one.
3. Ken and I are looking for a house to rent.
4. I haven’t been to the gym in two weeks due to a wrist injury and being sick with a really bad chest cold last week. It’s bumming me out, but I’m going back next week.
5. I’m going to be putting myself through a 30 day detox due to my excessive use of drugs (not just weed) and alcohol as of late.
6. I’m really trying hard to quit smoking. I stopped for all of Sunday but relapsed on Monday. I’m going to try and give it a shot again tomorrow.
7. I’ve been blowing people off lately because I am so fucked up and I’m going to put a stop to that.

I guess that’s about it for now. Don’t hate me too much, I already hate myself more than you could ever imagine.

I bet you think this song is about you…

Well, it looks like my host is fucked so I’m not even
sure if this post will end up on my blog. I’m
crossing my fingers. I’m going to be moving my blog
to a .blogger.com address to ensure
that folks can always visit it. I will be putting a
nice index.htm page in that will allow you to still
get there from andrew.sinfree.net, but you may want to
bookmark the new site when I get it moved over. I’ll
have to see if I can get some work done on that
tonight. I’ll try to keep it simple so that things
don’t go awry. I’ve been sick for most of this week
with the worst chest cold that I’ve had in years.
What a waste. I got a new skateboard last weekend and
was so looking forward to getting out while the
weather was still relatively good. I installed a new
alternator in the Rowdy on Monday, which was the first
time I’ve ever done something like that in my life.
I’d have to say that I was pretty quick for it being
my first time. Not like it was that hard. I don’t
know what else to write. I’ve had a lot going on in
my head that I need to get out on here, but I’m just
not in the mood today. I’m still too cloudy.
Alright, I’ll try to put my nose to the grindstone and
get the new index up so that I know y’all are getting
to the journal all right. I’m emailing this post to
my blog… crossing my fingers…
Andrew A. Royal
“Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today.” – JD

This gets to me a little more than it should…

So my plan to stay home has been shot to Hell. Ken did a nice tattoo on my calf last night and I have to say that I’m pumped about the design. We’re going to Killswitch Engaged tonight and I’m stolked about that too. I really just need to get out and have a blast, and not at some drama filled dance club. Tomorrow it looks like I’ve got some computer work in the morning and then I’m going to be playing wargames in the afternoon with Matt and my buddy Jeremy. I also got a new t-shirt at PacSun today for only $12 and I’m super stolked about that. Most of the t-shirts that I bought at the beginning of the summer are totally fucked now so it’ll be nice to have something to wear. The other thing about that is that most of my shit is still size Small and I look like I’m showing off my muscles when I wear the shit. I got the shirt in a Medium because I know that I’m not going to bulk up all that much for a while so these shirts will last. Anyways, I hope that everyone had a great Friday night and will have a good weekend. Firecracker, sorry I didn’t call this week. I will call next week to make up for it. I miss our talks.

Funny how we change…

I don’t think anyone in my life can believe that I’m just not interested in dating anyone. I’m happy as I am right now. I hang with my friends and have been pursuing some of the very geeky hobbies that put a smile on my face. I’m not trying to impress anyone at the moment, nor am I flirting with anyone (no consciously anyways). I’m happy, that’s all.
So, yesterday was the anniversary of my mom’s death. My sister put a memorial in the paper for the occation and it kind of bummed me out. Anyways, it was quite rough just getting through my day without letting anyone know what was up. I mean, sometimes I don’t feel like saying anything to anyone because I don’t want them to think that I want them to be feeling sorry for me. I don’t know. I’m really going to dedicate myself to staying home this weekend. I need the rest mentally and physically. I injured my wrists in a non-gym related incident last weekend and I’m giving them time to heal. I’m also going back on my August program at the gym. My custom program isn’t doing what I want it to do. I’m getting shredded but I’m not putting on any new muscle. Guess that’s it. Have a good one.

Hey BLOGGER, fuck off!!!

I did a very extensive update earlier today and it never showed up on my site. Fuckin’ Blogger crashed while I was doing the upload and then never recorded the entry at all. Basically, I’m not going to repeat myself. Maybe I’ll post tomorrow morning. Peace.

It’s the only way to slowly stop the ache…

I don’t know what to do. I stayed in last night and really relaxed, so much in fact that I passed out for a few hours while I was trying to read. I’ve got a few different groups that want me to go out and do stuff tonight, but I’m not sure what I want to do yet. I’m feeling so tired, this week has been exhausting. I may end up dropping off of the radar for the night so that I can get some more rest. I’ve set my quit smoking date for tomorrow and it’s going to take all my strength to try and kick that habit. If I do anything, I may just end up hanging with a buddy of mine that I haven’t seen for a while at his house. Like I said, I’m not sure WTF yet, but I’m sure by 5 o’clock today I’ll have something figured out. My horoscope told me to write in my journal to get my head straight, but with only 4 hours of sleep under my belt I don’t think anything can help me now. Have a good weekend.

GEMINI, August 9, 2004

You still are dealing with a lot of stress, so it’s difficult for you to relax. There is light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. You sense that things are changing — and they are. But it isn’t going to be an overnight turnaround. You will still feel as if others are in your way for a while. Don’t spew your resentment out into your life. But, also, don’t ignore the situations that are creating these feelings. Create a middle path.

Fuck yeah, I’m dealing with stress. My job is systematically sucking the fucking life out of me. Tomorrow morning I’m doing some job hunting using some new leads I got, but I’m not going to mention anything on here till I have more concrete info. I did have some stress lift last night when Matt C. offered to let me stay with him through the winter. I really appretiated that. I’m trying to get a place in the next few months, but I was unsure where I would stay till that happened.
I guess what these past few months have taught me is that I should be enjoying my single time. I mean, I liked having girlfriends this summer, but I should have just been out having fun. Now that I’ve realized it, I’m enjoying myself much more. This life is what I make of it and I’m going to make mine more fun. I’ve had it with sleeping all the fucking time. Anyways, I’m chatting with Margo and I can’t think of anything else on my mind right now. Have a good one.

Cold – Gone Away

Do you pray
In the night
Can you appreciate the wind
And I won’t care
I won’t fight
I need you close to sing
It’s the same beginning

Gone away
It’s the same old, same old song
Gone away
It’s my whole life
In words

And I can’t breathe
When you cry
But I’ll be there to hold you tight
And I would kill
I would fight
To keep you close
I keep singing the same way
I won’t live
If you died
If I can feel you in the wind
And this is me
It’s my life
I’ll need you close to sing
It’s the same beginning

Gone away
It’s the same old, same old song
Gone away
It’s my whole life
In words
Gone away
It’s the same old, same old song
Gone away
It’s my whole life

And I can’t say
And I don’t know
How farI’ll go
And I can’t say
And I don’t know
How farI’ll go
Gone away
It’s the same old, same old song
Gone away
It’s my whole life
In words
Gone away
It’s the same old, same old song
Gone away
It’s my whole life
—————–

Wow. This song is “Love” to me. This song brings that feeling to my flesh and mind. I can feel it again. I hunger for it. I hate it. I don’t hate it. Fuck. Cold is really helping me feel all the things that I’ve been feeling lately. I hate to do it, but I’m going to post one more of their songs lyrics below:

Cold – Wasted Years
There’s a game life plays makes you think you’re everything they ever said you were
Like to take some time
Clear away everything I planned

[Chorus] Was it life I betrayed for the shape that I’m in
It’s not hard to fail
It’s not easy to win
Did I drink too much
Could I disappear
And there’s nothing that’s left but wasted years
There’s nothing left but wasted years

If I could change my life
Be a simple kind of man
Try to do the best I can
If I could see the signs
I’d derail every path I could
Now I’m about to die
Won’t you clear away from me
Give me strength to fly away

[Chorus] There’s nothing left but wasted years [x3]
[Chorus x3]

—————–
Fuck! And one more.
—————–

Cold – Cure My Tragedy (A Letter To God)
Remember all the times that we used to play?
You were lost and I would save you
I don’t think those feelings will ever fade
You were born a part of me
I was never good at hiding anything
My thoughts break me
Do you understand what you mean to me?
You are my faith

[Chorus] Won’t you cure my tragedy? [x2]
Don’t take her smile away from me
She’s broken and I’m far away
Won’t you cure my tragedy? [x2]
If you make the world a stage for me
Then I hope that you can hear me scream
Won’t you cure my tragedy?

When I sit and think of the days we shared
And the nights you covered for me
Every little thing that I ever did
You would stand by me
Everytime you cried it would take my wind
My heart would break
If I could be strong like you were for me
You are my faith

[Chorus] Won’t you cure my tragedy? [x2]
Don’t take her smile away from me
She’s broken and I’m far away
Won’t you cure my tragedy? [x2]
If you make the world a stage for me
Then I hope that you can hear me scream
Won’t you cure my tragedy?
Can you hear me scream? [x2]

[Chorus] Won’t you cure my tragedy? [x2]
Don’t take her smile away from me
She’s broken and I’m far away
Won’t you cure my tragedy? [x2]
If you make the world a stage for me
Then I hope that you can hear me scream
Won’t you cure my tragedy?
I can’t take this anymore
I can’t feel this anymore
Won’t take and give her pain to me
‘Cause my whole life I’ve made mistakes
Can you hear me scream? [x2]

————-
I’ve done quite a few posts as well today, so give a scroll down and check them out. Goodnight.

Shoving it in your face…

Hey, my life may suck at times, but I’m not this guy http://prisonpete.blogspot.com/ . Great read, though. I love to hear about the other side of life, the way things could have been for me. I’ve been so tempted over the years to do stupid things that would have landed me in jail for years and years, but all that Christian upbringing and my parent’s influence had a positive effect on me in some ways. Some of you don’t even know how the half of the life I’ve lead, which may be a good thing or a bad thing, I don’t think about it. There’s some stuff that I will never tell anyone, you wouldn’t want to know. I’m just glad that I’m on this side of the wall. The only walls I’m behind are the ones that I create or are put up by those around me. Anyways, don’t cry for Pete, just live in his world for a moment and then take a new look at your own life, we’re living the life of freedom that Pete dreams about. Make something of it this week. Peace.

I never wanted to change your world…

On second thought…
I’m slowly climbing out of that depression that really hit me on Monday night. I’m feeling much better about my life. There are things that I need to change and I’m working to get those things changed over, but I’m trying to pace myself. I really am grateful to the friends that are in my life right now, which means the ones that I can actually get a hold of. I have one friend that has really known the right things to say and made me feel so much better about everything when I talked with her yesterday. Thank you, Peach. Matt C. has been a big help too. He really, whether he wants to or not, lets me vent and just get it all out. I must admit that the shit’s been flowing both ways with us lately due to Matt being a bit pissed about his own stuff as of late. It’s all good. I don’t know, it’s just hard sometimes to have folks that I can rely on. I mean, everyone’s got their own life and all, but I try to help everyone out even when there’s a shit-ton of stuff going on in my life, so I guess I kind of expect the same. Whatever, I’m my own hero and my own worst enemy. I’m confident that I’ll be back in the swing of things by this weekend. I’m actually doing 2 days worth of workout tonight at the gym tonight so that I can be out of work Friday night and have all that time to myself. Don’t worry, I’m not pushing myself beyond what I’m capable of, I know my limits better than anyone. Well, I’m looking for some books here at the library so I’m going to go do some investigating. I’ll probably post tomorrow, but who knows. If I don’t, I hope everyone has a great weekend. To the folks in Florida, I hope it missed ya.