Kittie “Safe”

in this darkness
troubled water
lies a flicker
of hope’s fire
come to your senses
wager a risk
i won’t let go
waiting for this
it’s wonderful
reality
i watch as
this golden bird
flies free
in this ash vault
a rose garden
these walls will never
see me
just to
save me [x4]

So, Heidi and I hung out on Friday and Saturday night. She’s the one I’ve been talking to. Christ, I’m really trying to figure out what to say. I had a fucking blast both nights with her. Friday we went up to Old Town and hung with her friend Chris, who is a really kick ass guy that doesn’t give a fuck, you know how I feel about people like that. I was like, shit, I’m stating for the record that this guy is a friend of mine after one night hanging out with him. After that we cruised over to the Chocolate Grill so that I could meet her friend Chris Rush from 105 TOS FM. He’s really a cool guy and I was stolked that we were going to be hanging with him a bit the next night too, but I’ll get to that. So Heidi and I left there and visited a friend of mine up there that owns the bowling ally for like two seconds due to the fact that a few of the guys that were up there I dislike very much. Then on our way back in town we decided to head to Benjamins and see what the fuck was going on there. We chilled there till about 1:30 AM then headed out so that she could drop my buzzed ass off. Man, I had so much trouble going to sleep after I got upstairs. I mean, I don’t normally have anyone stuck in my head. Yeah, I get worked up and all about some of the girls I date, but trust me this is way different. So different in fact that it’s been scaring me a little. My heart and mind have been agreeing on everything, giving me feelings that I haven’t had for a long time and I’m starting to think ever. I mean, I’ve really just settled for what I could get with most of the girls (99.9%) I’ve dated over the years. You really get to that point, though, where you just give up hope that the person that is really for you may not even be out there, or maybe doesn’t even live in your country. I mean, I’m not ready to move out of state and to even fathom that there could be someone here that might fill those parts of my heart that no one else can is really not even realistic. Well, that kind of thinking has been thrown out the window by this gurrl. So, as you might imagine Saturday night I had a great time with her again. We headed over to Russells for their Halloween party with our friend Chris and his crazy/fun lady Jamie (? on spelling). The “Rush man” was there all dressed up like a pirate and let me tell you the guy bears a striking resemblance to Johnny Depp so it was like “Pirates of the Carrabian” where he was hanging out. Brent and Margo showed up and had a really good time as well as telling me numerous times that Heidi was “the shit” and “Perfect“. You’d really have to see us together to understand that there is a good posiblity that fate made us for one another. I don’t want to make it or me sound crazy, well not crazier than I actually am, it’s not. There have been some really good things happening to me, yeah bad stuff is still going on but I can take care of it, and I mean I really deserve to be happy. By the way, she went home around 6:30 AM this morning because we had been hanging out in the car since 3 AM or so and we both really needed to get some sleep. “What? You guys didn’t crash together?” No, fuckface. I’m really serious about this girl and I’m not going to just go fucking nuts and screw things up. I mean, it’s hard to take things slow when something like this happens, let alone get things moving in the crazy direction by sleeping together this early on. Sex really takes whatever you feel, if you feel anything, and maxxes it out. That can be a bad thing. The deal is that I’m really into her head, don’t get me wrong she is a hottie and a half, I want to know more and more about her. It would be so easy for us to just get way too caught up in what we’ve got, I’m sure that all that I’ve put down here is the same way she feels. How do I know? Fuck, we actually talk about how we feel. She doesn’t hold back, like me. She really says what she’s thinking and feels, like me. No games. No drama. No bullshit. You want to know what it is? It is “pure“. I mean so fucking natural that you’re higher than a kite in the presence of this person. The place can be crowded and loud, but it’s just her and me, ya know? Alright, I’m sure I’ve made some of you sick and others just bored out of thier minds so I’m going to sign this one off. Have a good week if I don’t post again for a bit. Goodnight.

When I sit and think of the days we’ve shared

So, I found out today that I’m going to be working for the next 4 – 5
months steady. Weekdays only and I’ll be home by 4:30 PM everyday.
After that, we’ve got some stuff lined up that will keep me busy for a
long time. Did I mention that I love my job? Oh I did? Well you’re
hearing it again so deal with it.
I’ve been talking to someone recently and really getting to know her. I
don’t know where things are going, but I know that I really like who she
is. I’m really speechless about the whole thing, doesn’t help that I’m
chatting with her right now. Anyways, I’ll post more late.

What’s the next step…

Well, I’m getting ready to upgrade Matt from Windows ME to Windows XP Pro and just chilling. Think of this as the calm before the storm. I just wanted to unwind for a little bit before I go stressing the fuck out while getting this thing rigged. Had the day off and got my ear pierced in a way that you’d really have to see to understand. I also hung with Janis and got my laundry done as planned. Tomorrow morning I’m heading off to work again and I’m stolked about it. I love my job in a way that I’ve never loved any job. Each time I get called to work it’s like getting called about winning something. I am glad that I had a day to relax today, but I would have rather worked all week straight through and then had my weekend off. I still have the weekend off and I’ve got plans for Saturday night so far, but the rest of the weekend is up in the air. Janis wants me to come over on Halloween and hand out candy with her, I’m thinking that sounds like fun. Halloween just isn’t what it used to be to me. I mean, every year I do Halloween up like it’s Christmas or some shit. I love to throw on a costume and do all the things that are available to do in this area. Shit, there’s hay rides, halloween parties, seeing a scary movie, and haunted houses. This year I’m like “eh, whatever”. Fuck it, life goes on.
I did get to workout today while I was at Janis’. I did my legs and my chest figuring that I’ll get the rest done sometime this week when I have downtime even if that means rocking the fuck out at the gym on Saturday morning. Anyways, I’ve got to get started getting this fucker ready. Have a good one and I’ll see some of you soon.

What’s wrong with my life today…

I started talking to a girl that I met on Myspace.com tonight. Besides me being totally nervous and dorky as all fuck, I had a great time talking to her. We’ve got a lot of music in common, so I may have someone to go to concerts with that is actually there for the music and not to pound anyone’s face in. Anyways…
Work rocked again today. I definetly fucked a bunch of shit up and got paid for it. I’m learning so much about how a house is built, it’s pretty neat. I won’t bore ya’ll with the details but let me tell you what, when I get my own home I’ll be far ahead of the average home owner. You should see the shoddy construction in the house that I’m working on, it’s a damn good thing that it caught on fire so that it can be rebuilt the right way. Here I am, worked all day, and I’m not even tired at this point. I should be getting some sleep since I may be headed back down tomorrow morning to do the finish work. I’m kinda hoping for the day off so that I can get all the shit done around here that really needs to get done. My room is anarchy and armageddon all in one, not to mention that I have dishes to do. I’m also out of laundry and I’d like to get that done so that I don’t have to spend the rest of the week running around commando. I’m planning on doing my laundry at Janis’ (sister) tomorrow night and watching the Baseball game with her and Mike. I always have a great time with those guys and I’m glad they were there for me when I really needed to escape from my own drug usage. Fuck, I hate when I get lost in my own life. I think I’ve said that before recently, but it’s really going through my head tonight. Anyways, I’m going to try and knock myself out so that I can get some sleep. Don’t pray for me, I’ve already saved myself (you all helped me by not trying to help).

My new intro on MySpace.com…

So I’m strolling through life not really knowing where I’m going or where I want to be, when suddenly I realize that I can never have the answers to either till I get a grip on who I am. I’ve realized that I’ll never truely figure out who I am due to the fact that I change with the changes in my life. Let’s run through the qualities that I can put my finger on. I’m a geek; I love conquring any tech that comes my way. I’m a music lover; I really love great music across the board, though I prefer techno for my own reasons. I love to be entertained, whether it be movies, concerts or a great conversation. I love to constantly improve the parts of my life that I have control over (bodybuilding, health, etc). I love to express my true inner self with art, music or just casual conversation. I’m an attractive guy, not the hottest guy in the area, not cocky, just confident in my looks. I’m pursuing the job that I should have years ago; I know because each day, no matter how challenging, makes me happy and satisfied inside. Those are the things that are current in my life right now as well as constant. There is so much more to know about any of us, I’m the one that’s not afraid of my own answers.

Life ain’t nothin’ but a funny funny riddle…

So anyways. I’m going to put a good sized update on here, hopefully, and get some stuff off of my chest.
I started my new job on Friday and had a fucking blast. I’m working on being a sub-contractor, which means I either build shit, or tear it the fuck down. Friday was tearing shit down and let me tell you I had a blast. I got to the Bangor Park & Ride at around 5:30 AM and waited for my ride. Once he got there we headed down to Waterville and got right down to kicking the fuck out of this house that had a fire down there. Up my alley? Fuck yeah! The guy I worked with all day was really cool and we talked so much shit, I though we were going to have to start sweeping it up. The ride back almost killed me though, just sitting there after working hard all day is too much. Once I got back to Bangor I got my second wind and went right to the gym to work out. After the gym I dropped off Kenny’s Blazer and went to dinner with Brent and Margo. Then I rocked and rolled all night with those guys and crashed out hard around 2 AM I think. Saturday I goofed off and bought myself a new PS2 and hung with Janis and Mike for most of the afternoon and evening. Matt and I stayed up playing games and shit till our eyes started to water. Enough of the play by play, I need to get some shit off of my chest. “Where the bear shit in the buckwheat“
I’m bummed that I had to leave my guys that I work with at KFI high and dry. I really formed some good bonds with the folks that I worked with. I know that I will see them around and I’m even going to make an effort to hang with some of them when I get a new set of wheels. I just won’t be able to spend all the time that I spend with them now and that sucks. I know that some of them really count on me to be there and help them out. I hope they find a good replacement for me soon so that they can get the help they need. It may sound bad but, I feel so relieved to not be working at that job anyomore. No more pounding the hell out of every vehicle I drive. No more spending all my money on gas to head all over town to spots that I normally wounldn’t go to. No more working on the weekends, fuckin’ right! I get to be busy all day and not sitting around waiting for my guys to do shit. Fuck, you all know how much that job was killing me. I’m free and loving it. I guess that’s the end of that rant.
I’m still drug free and loving it. I really didn’t drink all that much on Friday, but I really didn’t need to. I was with folks that make me happy. I’m getting the impression that my family is really stolked that I’m doing what I should have always been doing. Fuck computers, by the way. I just feel great. I can’t wait to go to work tomorrow and see what challenges it holds for me. Yeah, things will be tough at the new job, but I’ll have something to show for it at the end of the day. The pay is more than I’ve ever gotten and I’m really going to focus on managing my money. Yeah I bought at PS2, but I needed one big splurge before I get all serious, you know me. I guess that’s all I really had to say right now, and it’s not as much as I thought it would be. I’ll post ASAP.

Hey BLOGGER, WTF??

Tried to post on Tuesday but Blogger flubbed and it didn’t post it at all. I can’t even remember what I wrote. Anyways. I’m changing jobs next week starting on Monday and I’ll be so glad when I’m done at KFI. My regular readers know how stressed out I’ve been. I’m off the drugs for good by the way, but I’m still up for a beer here and there. I hit the gym around 7 AM this morning so I’m feeling a little drained at this point, but I’ll make it. I really don’t have much to say today, maybe tomorrow or Saturday I’ll have more to say.

Decisions made from desperation…

Went to the Godsmack concert last night here at the Bangor Auditorium. It was the best show that I’ve ever seen. It was everything that I hoped for and actually surpassed what I expected. It was an acoustic show and they were the only ones that played. They let the audience ask questions and even gave the background on where some of the songs came from; I loved it. After the show I crashed at Kenny’s and we watched “The Day After Tomorrow“. That movie is very cool and I would suggest that you rent it soon if you haven’t seen it.
So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking (surprising, huh?) and I’m sure the direction I want to take in my life. I fell into that rut of doing and dressing the way other people wanted me to; I hate it when that happens. Sometimes I just get lost in this life, there is so much going on that I can’t even keep track of where my head is. It’s not the drugs or the alcohol that does it to me either, it’s just the overwhelming stress of it all. It’s hard to lose friends and make new ones all in the same week. It’s hard to have your trust breached by the same folks that were backing you up last year. It’s hard to look into the eyes of someone that you’ve spent some of the best times of your life with and just see that they are dead inside. It really makes me feel lost, like I missed the turn I was supposed to take. More often than not, it’s not me that changed for the worse. There’s comfort in that, but it’s also sad to see people who you love turn into selfish parasites that live their lives through you, or live their lives to make yours miserable. This summer, quite a few people dropped off my map and out of my address book, it was a rough one. Hell, it’s still kind of going on right now with some of the folks that I interact with on a regular basis (trust me, none of them visit this site). It’s fucking sad that the folks I’ve known the longest are now the strangers in my life. I’ve gone from having like 50+ friends all over town to just a handful, somehow I like that. I feel like I really have the time to get to know and broaden the friendships that I have. What more could anyone ask for but to be able to really know and trust those folks that you give your time to. I also want to be able to trust myself. I want to know that the feelings and thoughts that I have are for my benefit and not betraying me in some way, shape or form. Just to give you some idea, let me post some of the stuff from a chat I had with a friend online today (name removed for privacy sake). WARNING, LONG POST:

*: yah.. I hate going out around here.. I’m just tired of it I guess… But I LOVE bowling haha
propain6: I haven’t been out in 6 weeks.
propain6: it’s been refreshing.
*: yah it’s nice to relax
* I don’t have the money.. and I’m so tired all the time…
*: what have you been up to lately?
propain6: All it takes is some time away then you really get the urge to go out and it’s way more of a blast.
*: yah you’re right
propain6: not much, just hanging out watching movies and contemplating life. I’ve also been job hunting.
*: contemplating life?
*: Job hunting ahh what fun huh?
propain6: I’m just really trying to find those last parts of me that will make me complete.
propain6: There are a lot of things about myself that I want to change, only time can help me now.
*: really? Do you know specifically what you want to change?
*: Changing is really hard but when it’s done it’s almost like a completed puzzle
propain6: I’m still trying to figure out what needs to be changed. I adjust small things on a daily level so I can’t really pinpoint where the changes are taking place. All I know is that the things that I am doing make me feel closer to my head, my heart and the world around me.
*: that’s awesome royal… have you been working at all lately?
propain6: yeah, I’m working now. I just want to get out of this business, it’s sucking the life out of me.
*: really?? yah it’s a strenuous job after ra while.. Mentally
propain6: it’s too much for me. I’m looking into a few contracting jobs that are steady and would let me have my head to myself while I work with my hands.
*: yah.. What kind of contracting?
*: jobs
propain6: frame to finish.
propain6: the whole deal
*: if for some reason I was not with * I would be a Nan
*: haha
*: they make unreal money
propain6: decks, interior redesign, stuff like that.
*: that’d be awesome!
propain6: LOL
*: do you know where ?
propain6: all over.
*: or who you’d possibly want to work for
*: is it a specific company?
propain6: the businesses are both based locally.
*: that would dbe a damn awesome job
propain6: * construction is one, the other is through a friend.
*: Whoa that would be SUCH a fun job!
propain6: only 40 hours a week and really good money.
*: You should really do it royal… That is a job that gives so much groundation.. I wish I could have a job like that! Good for you
propain6: I’m finally in the shape it takes to do those jobs 40 hours a week too.
*: Good– It’s good to have something that gives a small schedule
propain6: I see so many of my older sister’s friends that do it and have beautiful houses and happy lives.
*: that needs to be worked around
*: that’s great!
propain6: If I work for Bemis I get the weekends off too, unless it’s a really big project.
*: I think that would be a great idea
propain6: I have to call tonight and see what the story is.
*: Yah, it’d be super helpful if you got that job
propain6: yeah.
propain6: Next thing you know I’ll be driving a full-sized truck and be wearing shit kickers. LOL
*: hahahahaha holy shit that would dbe so funny
*: single?
*: have you been dating at all?
propain6: not at all. Not even trying.
*: good
*: you don’t need it
propain6: I have some hottie from UMO on Match.com that wants to meet me, we’re just kind of emailing right now.
*: that’s cool who is she?
propain6: I just don’t have the energy to devote to that part of my life right now. There are so many little things that I have to fix first before I can get all my confidence back and be able to really be myself with someone new.
propain6: I don’t know her name, just her alias.
*: so when did you decide that you needed tod o this?
propain6: do what?
*: Reconstruct yourself hehe
propain6: Honestly, I do it all the time. Almost every week, but not on this scale. I just realized that I’m the one responsible for my own happiness. I can’t rely on anyone else to really make me happy. And how can I be happy with someone if I’m not happy with who I am.
*: Very good point.. you are right!
propain6: I really take a look at myself in the 3rd person a lot and it helps me to see what needs to be done.
*: Yah– most people couldn’t even do that
propain6: I will never be perfect, nor does anyone expect me to be, but I will always be closer than the guy sitting next to me and that is part of what makes me happy. I’m willing to adapt and change and embrace new ideas.
*: That’s great…

I hope you enjoyed that little over the shoulder look at me chatting. I just figured that those were some of the things that I wanted to post on here so why not keep them in context so that everything didn’t seem so random. I also know that some of you enjoy when I get deep like I’m being right now so enjoy it while it lasts. I know that some of my posts look more like a “what I did on my summer vacation’ paper that a 4th grader would write, but it keeps me on here and keeps my writing. Well, my time is up here at the library, or almost up, so I’m going to post this and get on with the rest of my day. I will post again soon. I hope your day is a bright as mine has been today.

Feels so good to say “you’re so far away”…

So things are getting better in my life. Ken and I are seriously pursing getting a house together and it is looking like things are going to be put in motion very soon. My job prospects are ever increasing and I’m just waiting for some confirmations before I make any decisions on what I’m going to do. I still have the same preference for what I want to do though. Ken and I have been doing a “trial run” on living together. Tomorrow will be the 7th night that I’ve stayed here in a row. Things have been going great and I watched Zane, his son for him today. We had a blast running around and even went to the skatepark; still feeling that one by the way. I don’ know, but I’m happy. I’m headed to the Godsmack concert on Wednesday and I’m really stolked about that. It’s the acoustic stuff, I’ve never been to a concert like that before. Well, I’m hopping offline for the night but wanted to keep you all updated.

Where do we go from here…

So, I got a few job offers that I’m mulling over. One job is construction and contracting and pays really good money. I also know the guy that would be my foreman and he’s a really great guy that I wouldn’t mind working for at all. The other job is delivering auto parts for a local auto shop. I’m thinking that the construction would fit me a bit better considering that I’d be doing all kinds of work instead of just driving around. The auto parts place on the other hand is Monday through Friday and has more regular hours. I’m mulling both over this weekend and keeping my eye out for other jobs that might interest me. Funny thing is, I’ve always wanted a construction job. I know they pay good and the work is plentiful. Otherwise I’ve just been relaxing all week and working. I put the Audi in Uncle Henrys and it should show up next Thursday or the week after. I’m still driving Ken’s Blazer for now, but we’re looking at cars to see if there are any good deals going on right now. Firecracker, I’m going to give you a buzz on Monday if that is cool. Let me know. Ok, I’m out. By the way, I’m going to Godsmack at the Auditorium this week and I’m stolked out of my mind about it.