Let me out…

I’m still on the job search front. I’ve got a few jobs that I’m going to check into tomorrow, they look pretty good. The rest of my life is at a standstill, which can be a good thing. Heidi and I are doing great, love can be such a wonderful thing when someone will let you love them. I’m still living at Matt Constantine’s house. My computer is working well with Linux and I’m learning more and more as the days go by. My car is still a piece of shit and hasn’t been bought yet. I haven’t been to the gym since the begining of November, I’m bummed about it but I know that I can get my body back to shape in no time once I start up again. Everyone seems to be MIA these days, but with the holiday seaon here, I’m not surprized. I’m so blah today. I’m kicking offline for now. Merry Christmas if I missed ya!

Tivo seem like a dream?

Here are a few Open Source alternatives. Turn a cheap PC into a Tivo-like device. MediaPortal cuts out commercials for you. They do other things like play MP3s and such. Neither charge a montly fee for anything, it’s all free. Take a look if you are interested.

MythTV
MediaPortal

One…

Chris Bednar… at your service. Blaine got me this shirt and now I’m on a rampage. Bednar was the 1st Victim. Watch your backs…

I am so lucky…

I have the most wonderful woman in the world. There’s nothing more to say.

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Imagine that, I’m smiling.  

Visit this link… yesterday!!!

http://www.roadragecards.com/samples.htm

A reply…

I’ve said all I have to say HERE. Doesn’t matter what I do or say, I will always be hated or misunderstood by someone. Believe what you want, I’m not here to tell anyone what they should think or feel. I’m here to express myself in words that I have trouble saying. What makes that freedom wrong? People are allowed to talk about me behind my back. I’ve said what I have to say to the parties involved already, I’m not going behind anyone’s back. I’m not accusing anyone of doing so, but it happens, we all know it does. Why the lock and key when everyone else gets to hear about what an asshole I am? Yeah, it’s been said to my face, but does everyone need to know that is how you feel about me? I’m simply letting everyone who reads my journal know how I feel. I didn’t call anyone any names. I didn’t slam on anyone. I didn’t put it on here to hurt anyone, nor do I believe that what I said could hurt anyone. Want it all under lock and keyon my end? Let me know, but I’ll expect that it is kept under lock and key by the other three people involved as well. If “anonymous” is not one of those three people, then we already know that no one is keeping anything private. I’ve said what I have to say, that is all.

Good night

Nerd Alert!!!

Here is an article that actually makes a lot of sense. If we all had to save up the cash for a Mac, which I’m striving to own by next Fall, there wouldn’t be all that many of us on the net. Grandma certainly couldn’t spam you with those annoying virus alerts or “Daily Jokes”. Nor could folks that you’ve tried to lose touch with, seemingly pop out of nowhere to act like they still give a fuck about you. But, good things do happen on computers. I do find it much easier to email some of the folks in my life, since I can’t call them long distance, or they have crazy scheduals. I met the love of my life on the internet, too. Anyways, check it out if you’ve got the time. Peace.

Audioscrobbler

http://www.audioscrobbler.com/user/Sinfreealex/

Shows what you listen to. I just started so it’s not showing too much. Try it out and then add me to your friends and email me.

Welcome to the universe…

There is a lot that goes on here on my end of the screen that I don’t talk to anyone about. I know that so many of you spill your guts out to me and it doesn’t feel right that I hold back anything from any of you. Today I found out that next year I will be losing custody of my daughter. For those of you outside of my life that are reading this, it may be hard to grasp what I have to say here, the story is too long to tell. I cried for a long time tonight when I found out this information and I’m still on the verge at this point in the day but I’ll try to hold on so that I can say what I have to say. The man that will become my daughter’s legal dad is a great guy. I’m not worried about him ever being abusive or being any less than a great guy. I know he loves her and she loves him, that is important to me. What I’ve been coming to grips with is that I’m now losing what I never had a chance to have. I don’t think any amount of explaining could bring any of you any closer to understanding what this has all been like, but that’s why it’s my life and not yours. I would not wish anyone to experience the things I have seen, felt or heard in my time here. It kills me a little inside to spend time with the friends of mine that have their own children. It also fills me with such joy to see that there can be a semi normal life out there for a father and his child. There is nothing I can ever do to change any of what has happened. Everything has happened for a reason. The hard part is being treated like a sperm bank and not like a person. Equally as hard to have close friends of mine treat me with disrespect and closed hearts while they wear an understanding smile on their faces. No one that I associate with these days has been that way and that is why we have survived this journey together so far. Do not feel pity for me or what has gone on. I only ask that you treat me with understanding and the love that I try to give all of you. I will lose my daughter legally and it tears me up to even type that. She will still live on in my heart and mind. I still have all those memories that no one can take away from me. I will still smile thinking about pushing her on the swings at the part. I will giggle when I think of the day that spent shopping all over town. I will still swell up with pride over the memories that I have of seeing her playing soccer like a true pro. I will remember the laughs we shared at Toy Story 2 on Ice. None of that will fade now or ever. I can never be pushed or kept away from any of that. The fact that someone as screwed up as me could produce something so beautiful, talented and full of life is beyond anything that I could imagine. There is only so much you can do in this life, I hope that she does all the things that I should have done right. I will miss her first date, first prom, her graduation and the man that finally earns her heart. Knowing that I will for sure, now, is so much to take at once. None of my tears have been wasted. None of my pain has been wasted. Some people may think that I would be a terrible father, but I doubt that. I know that the children I’ve meet, all, would have been happy to have a guy like me around. Someone who can reduce himself to a playful 6 year old at a moments notice to play cars on the rug. Someone who doesn’t get pissed when he takes a soccer ball to the crotch, but instead laughs as hard as the kid who kicked it. Someone who is full of hugs for anyone that needs them. Someone who’s half assed first aid gets the job done and creates a smile. I am the father that never was. I am the dad who could have been. This is my life, thank you for taking a look inside.