I’m at that point where I can see the light again. I see all that I need to do to just feel it on my fingers. I see those around me that are still standing still and wondering when they’ll be saved. I guess I’ve just been thinking about my life in such a deep way again. My dreams are filled with horrible visions that keep me up at night. I want to sleep to drown it all out, but I don’t want to face the darkness because it is there to terrorize me. Parts of my waking life are wonderful, mostly the time I spend with Heidi. The rest of my life is colder than I could have imagined; I’m not talking about the weather. I’m having realizations about the people around me and it’s trying to send me into a depression again. Sometimes I just block it all out, well most of the time. I can just be the passerby and not give two shits, but it begins to weigh heavy. I want to grab them and shout that they need to change their lives to get what they want. It, won’t change over night. But who am I? I mean I’m still picking up my own pieces. I guess my seperation is that I’m trying. I’m making the effort. I am awake and not looking for some way to escape. For most of them, drugs are the escape. But drugs are not the only things that we can lose ourselves in. I mean, having fun and doing something we enjoy is the best thing we can do for ourselves, but is that all there is? Isn’t there anyone in our lives that can make us smile? A person or persons that remind us just how silly we are when it all comes down to it? It’s times like this when I avoid the bottle and the pipe. I will never return to the straw, never. Being out of the gym is such a catalyst for me as far as being chemically imbalenced. Nothing has ever set me straight like pushing my body to it’s limits, then reaching another plateau that I didn’t even know existed. It’s something that I need, that challenge and success. Even the failure in the gym is nothing more but something to learn by. My church? I guess, if that is the only basis for belief that you can cling to. I will be my own Jesus, thank you. I will teach myself all the things that no one else can. Fuck, I just want the darkness to end. I don’t want to huddle in the cold anymore. I want to feel the sun on my face and really fucking feel it, ya know? Heidi, I love you. I’m not sure that I’ll ever be able to tell you how much I really love you. I’ve failed in the past when trying to let people know how I feel, I hope I don’t fail with you. You are what is holding me together. Even if I’m all that is holding you together, that’s OK with me. Let us be the bandages the other uses. Freedom is only a heartbeat away.
