This is my last post. I know I have said before that I am not going to post on here, but this is the final post ever. I am moving on.
Thanks for reading. Goodbye.
This is my last post. I know I have said before that I am not going to post on here, but this is the final post ever. I am moving on.
Thanks for reading. Goodbye.
A parent’s primer to computer slang
Get 1337! LOL!
These dark and cold Maine winters blow my fucking happiness right out of the water. I mean, it seems as though no matter how I try to make things better for myself and those around me, this time of year yields no results. When I get money, it’s so fucking rare now, it’s gone out of my hands before they have time to catch hold. I want to be out on my own so fucking bad it hurts. I just can’t seem to make it happen. I’m stuck in the “what the fuck do I want to do with my life” syndrome way too much these days. Then again, I don’t really have a lot of opportunities coming my way. The job rate sucks so bad I’m competing with what seems like half of Maine for the jobs that are out there. I can’t even get some shit part-time job to fill the void temporarily. I’m over-qualified or under-qualified. What the fuck. What does this world want from me. I work my ass off for whomever I work for, but I get nothing. I earn respect, but not the kind that can make a difference in my life. I feel like telling everyone to “fuck off” and sleeping all day and night. The waking hours I have I spend wondering where I’ll be tomorrow. Where will I be? I really don’t fucking know. All I want is some stupid office job where I’m someone’s bitch 9-5 Monday through Friday, then I can do fuck all during my weekends. I want to pay my bills. I want to read the weekend newspaper that is delivered to my front step. I want to be living with Heidi and Britany and enjoying the “rat race”. There are so many people around me that don’t apretiate the shit they have. I would love to have all that shit. I’ve been there before so I know what I’m talking about. Why can’t things just work out? Why can’t someone see the things in me that they want in an employee. Is everyone in human resources so fucking jaded these days? Is unemployment all there is? Have I fucked my life up to the point where it can’t be fixed? Next to nothing brings me pleasure these days, either. My time with Heidi is all I have to look forward to. That’s not a bad thing, but I want to see her in the place where we live. I want to argue over what we are having for dinner every night. I want to spend my Saturday morning cleaning the house and then napping in the afternoon. I want to cook her dinner every night and then bitch one night a week so we can go out. I want to wake up holding her every morning and go to sleep holding her at night. I want to be back at the gym pushing myself so hard I want to puke. I want to feel so fucking big that none of my clothes fit right. I want to get my hair cut and eyebrows waxed every three weeks. I want to go tanning and say “fuck off” to anyone who says it’s a waste of money. You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Trust me, you don’t. I want to be able to buy myself some new clothes a couple of times a year. I want to dig my toes into the hot sand and have them feel like they are burning off. I want to buy men’s products and look like a million bucks from the second I step out of the shower till I go to bed. I want to have new razors in my M3 Power razor every two weeks. I want to get so fucking “pretty” it makes men call me “fag” or “faggot” because they are ashamed of being attracted to me. You guys are all alike. You want to believe I’m gay because I take care of myself. Half of you fuck ups should just realize you’re fucking gay and stop trying to fool us all as well as yourselves. You don’t fool me for a second. Be yourself, I don’t give a fuck. The whole fucking world seems to be working against me. How many times have I heard that? Here I am saying it, feeling it. It all makes me want to get my money together and pack my shit up and get the fuck out of this state. It’s seriously being considered. If I ever won the lotto, I’d send everyone pictures of me and Heidi in our new home out west giving the finger. Fuck you, you wish you had the nuts to do just that, don’t lie to yourself. I’m sick of all this. Fuck this depression, I’m sick of weakness. If I could do it all again, I’d say “fuck it” and do it this way so I wouldn’t end up being anyone other than who I am. My face is not that of weakness. Life flows back in to me every morning, I’m gonna find out why the fuck that is. When I find out, I’m not fucking telling you why. Figure it out yourself.
