I’ve had this dream since about the 4th grade of becoming a writer of some sort. I always have ideas for stories and I love to express myself through writing. It’s nice to get it all organized on paper so that the message I deliver is the one I intended.
As I have written before, for much of this life I’ve been the person that everyone else wanted me to be. I am more myself than I have ever been. I know who I am and where I’ve been, it’s the where I’m going that’s still got me uncertain. Yeah, I’m going for my degree in Computer Information Services, but is that really what I want to do? I mean, computers are a hobby to me, just like model trains are to some people. The question I keep asking myself is “if I were into model trains, would I necessarily need to have a job that revolved around them?” Time and time again I’ve experienced the hatred I have for computers when the have problems. I’ve thinned my clientele down, as far as working on computers goes, due to the stress it causes me to work on them. My girlfriend has had the unfortunate experience of being around me when I’m working on one and I’m not pleasant most of that time. If I do what I’ve set out to do with my major, I will be living that type of high stress life. My history shows that I burn-out quickly working in that type of environment and it always leads to me drinking my stress into a blur. My mom was a writer when she was in college, but after getting together with my father, was forced to quit that. It hurts to know that she died being the person she was expected by others to be. I don’t want that to happen to me. I haven’t made any concrete decisions about what I’m going to do, yet. I’m surly going to stay in school and pursue whatever degree I must for the profession I choose, but as of right now, I’m finding it hard to think I need to stay on my current course. I’m at the point where I can safely change my major without any major hiccups. I’m not entrenched in computer course that would be a waste of time in another major. I just don’t know. I’m the only one that can figure this out. I’ve got some research ahead of me that is for sure. Hopefully everyone that matters will stand behind my decision, as this decision is a very difficult and important one. It’s so damn hard to let a secret that you’ve kept out after such a long time. It makes me want to cry even thinking about how long I’ve stuffed it down.
