I logged into my Yahoo mail account tonight for one reason or another and decided to look at what I had still hanging around in my SAVED folder. I came across a conversation I had with a former friend of mine. We were trying to work things out between us at the time and things went well for a little while. Just reading it made me wonder if in fact I was the one to blame for us not speaking now. My belief in expressing my opinions about things seems to be a blessing and a curse. Some people really enjoy my candor; while others would rather I just keep quiet. I kept quiet for a very long time. I hid in the background of my friends and let them run the show. What a depressing life that was. I always wondered why I was so bummed out all the time. Who wouldn’t be with everyone making your decisions for you? I’ll never get that time back, never. I won’t tiptoe around people to make sure they’re OK with what I have to say. I won’t lie to people and tell them that they’re “not screwing up their lives” or “everything will be fine”. I spent so much time swimming in that coldness of other people’s opinions. I’ve been as fake as fake can be and let me tell you, it’s too much damn work. Yeah, there’s always going to be someone pissing in my pool when I’m not looking, but those kinds of people get what they deserve in the end. If you live your life making other people’s lives miserable, chances are that yours is just as bad if not worse. Get the fuck out of that hole and stop throwing rocks you stupid piece of shit. Being plastic and trendy may earn you respect, but it’s the wrong kind and from the wrong people. Spit on your roots and you’ve just pulled the rug out from under yourself. I may end up leaving Maine, I may not, at any rate I’m not going to act like I was never here, never had fun, or never knew anyone worth knowing here. But for those of you that feel that way, go ahead and get the fuck out of here. Go hide in your corner of the planet and don’t come back here and act like you’re doing any of us a favor. We’re doing fine without you and for some reason the sun keeps rising and setting without you. It’s a fucking miracle! Maybe I was keeping my enemy closer, maybe I didn’t know what a friend really was, or maybe you thought a friend was someone who made you look good. I wasn’t put on this planet for anyone but me, face facts. I was put here to try and attain Self Actualization or at least die trying to get it. You were put here as another hurdle for me to jump over. How does it feel, my little speed bump? How does it feel to know that you’ve wasted your life being such a damn fake that we all laugh at you? That so many that smile in your face when you come back to visit are doing so because they’re not strong enough to tell you how much they detest you for being such an asshole to them for as long as you’ve known each other. I know it feels good to be free of ”hoping we are still friends”. I feel good knowing that I’m moving towards what I was put here to do. It feels good to be alive.
