Perhaps because I should be sleeping instead of writing this post it may not make much sense. Maybe it will. I never know till it’s done.
Confidence is high here in my little world. I’ve begun to work on the parts of my life that have been neglected. Those little habits I’ve had for such a long time that need to get squashed. Procrastination is my enemy. I’ve spent my whole life putting things off and paying for it with bad grades and lost opportunities. Last Spring, after exhaustive testing, I found out that I possess the intelligence to do anything and be anyone. I’m not the stupid kid I had been lead to believe I was. Here I was in school hovering around C’s as a student. The only thing that kept me from that was my own procrastination. What a waste. No, I wasn’t normal and the kids that said that were right. I was nothing like them, I was smart. The strange questions and things I said were beyond their capacity for understanding. Honor Roll was nothing but a tally of the kids that actually did their homework. Hell, in 7th grade I made Honor Roll for two quarters that year. Those foolish average jerks just stared in disbelief at me as I approached the stage to accept my certificate and one of those stupid “my kid is an honor roll student” bumper stickers for my folks to put on their car. I never gave either to them or even mentioned it. Yeah, they found out when report cards came out, but these are the same people who said I would never attend college. Pardon me if I’m still a little bitter about them attempting to water down my life. Fuck you if you think I want some kind of pity party. My whole life has been full of this kind of counterproductive bullshit and people struggling to keep me below them. Non of them were strong enough. You failed and I’m here now proving you wrong. Sick satisfaction? Yes, I’m human after all.
So now I’m block scheduling my weeks out. Hell, I’m even going to be scheduling my free time. No fun? Not true. Now I will have more free time where I’m being productive instead of watching stupid videos on the net with the rest of the rats. Keep staring at those screens a believing that you are better than the people watching TV. Quit trying to be better than everyone else and just work on making yourself better for you. School’s out and you’re not getting graded anymore. Impress your friends with your ability to adapt to life, as fucked up as it can get sometimes. Fuck it, go on Dr. Phil and tell him your sob story. Get the audience to boo some bastard who’s not doing anything but living his/her life. Better yet, go to hell.
Something else I’ve always had trouble with is approaching new people that seem like they may have something interesting to contribute. I have no problem introducing myself to the new employee who’s eating their lunch across from me in the break room, but anywhere else I’m a fucking social retard. I take that back, as this is something I’m working on. I’m employing as many techniques every day to make myself better. All the reading in the world can only give you the concept of what you want to achieve. You have to try and fail. When you fail you need to assess what went wrong. You can’t get wrapped up what the other person was thinking, but instead concentrate on the part of the encounter that went wrong. We just can never know what anyone else is thinking, even if they tell us what it is. I try to say hello to someone new every day, or even ask for the time or something else, then just walk away. All I’m trying to do is reach out and get used to that feeling. I’m losing my approach anxiety, which is what keeps me from making new connections. I need to be able to present myself and form new links in my networking chain in order to achieve success in business.
I’ve got to tell you that these things are pretty hard for me to handle. The fear of structure makes me want to rebel, yet I follow a workout sheet to a t. I need to do the same for the rest of my life, now. Just looking at my initial block scheduling sheet with the guy advising me today really made stress out pretty hard. I mean, just looking at what my life is going to be like for the next few months was overwhelming. I’ve had too much freedom up until now. It made me kind of sick, though that could have also been due to the fact that my coffee happened to be wearing off around the same time I was making the schedule. For the rest of the day I’ve actually been feeling rather relaxed. Besides the conflicts going on with scheduling people to come in and weight train, the rest of the day was smooth as silk. I haven’t napped in two days, but after getting up at 5:30AM this morning I felt I deserved it. I kept it pretty short and I’m fighting off sleep now in order to finish this post. I’m going to finish this one here and listen to Evan’s Blue “Dark That Follows”. I’m going to read the lyrics while I listen. Guess I’ll post them here if your curious. You can find the song around the net if you are curious. Good night.
Evan’s Blue
Dark That Follows
There’s just so many things you never needed to say
like I’m your other soul, but you can love them all
your tears are meaningless, they’re written on your face
just like your empty words, just like the chemical
just like the disease that stains your lips tonight
you are the disease that’s in my life
if it’s no ones fault, there just no one to blame
and nothing to say
this time it’s no one’s fault so there’s nothing to save
and no one to hate but I want to so bad…believe me
there’s just so many ways you never needed to be
like I’m some empty space that never leaves your side
now wipe that stupid look off of your face
you’re not the finest one, you’re not the only one
you’re just a disease that stains her lips tonight
and you are the disease that’s in my life
if it’s no ones fault, there just no one to blame
and nothing to say
this time it’s no one’s fault so there’s nothing to save
and no one to hate
but I want to so bad…believe me
we’re great in small doses, I pronounce it, your sad aside, love me
you’re so proud of yourself and your disadvantage to me is just something you love to say (and hear that you’re uncommon)
the greater the dosage makes me mispronounce it to be,
you’re dead inside of me
but when you’re alone and no one knows
it doesn’t seem to matter
you are the same inside as me
if it’s no ones fault, there just no one to blame
and nothing to say
this time it’s no one’s fault so there’s nothing to save
and no one to hate
if I say I want you so bad (it doesn’t matter)…don’t believe me
you’re just the disease that was in my….life
